Preserving the past
by mikisto26
Summary: Diane hires a new lawyer who actually didn't have the best references, but she wasn't able to not give her the job somehow/ Kurt finds out about a crucial detail of Diane's past that could change their life forever, or probably should have changed hers 30 years ago. Could be set in season 7.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Given that we didn't learn much about Diane's past, I thought this would be a good way of filling some of the blanks. It's going to be slightly AU though and I'm not completely sure where I am going with this yet. And forgive me if the first chapter doesn't give away that much, but it's going to be multi chapter and I guess this way it's more interesting. Enjoy**

* * *

Diane studied the young lawyer's face and paused at her eyes, looking at how beautiful they were as she was talking. That unique eye colour she had, it was similar to her own.

She liked her in a way, and she was sure she would fit in perfectly.

But why did she think so? She didn't really know herself.

"Well, thank you Mrs. Lockhart. I really hope I will hear from you."

"I am positive there's a good chance you will." She said with a polite smile on her face. The young lawyer turned to leave her office. "What is your first name again, if you don't mind me asking?", she asked her while the tall blonde turned around at the threshold of her office and looked at her.

"Evelyn."

Diane hesitated for a split second before saying something.

"Oh. What a beautiful name. And so rare these days."

"Yeah, I know, apparently it meant something to my mother.. Goodbye, Mrs. Lockhart." She smiled and turned around again.

"Goodbye Evelyn.", she said, watching her as she left her office.

Diane sat down and leaned her chin on her hands. She closed her eyes for a brief moment. It has been a very exhausting day and she couldn't wait to finally get home. She was sure she would fall asleep immediately after reaching her bed.

"I vote for McHale.", Cary said through a laugh as he stormed into her office, bringing her back to reality.

"What?" She said half absentminded. He approached her desk and leaned against it.

"I'm telling you. He is the perfect choice, he seems so determined about this job, about what he wants in life. _And_ he can be very intimidating, I bet he would be great at cross..."

"Cary? I take it you are talking about the other lawyer we considered hiring? I really appreciate your enthusiasm, I do, but I have made a decision already."

"What do you mean, _you have made a decision_? Shouldn't _we_ be making decisions? Together?"

"The last thing I want to do is shut you out, Cary. But believe me when I say, I have a good feeling about her.", she looked at him waiting for an answer of support. But he seemed to be confused.

"I don't understand, Diane. Mr. McHale had such a glowing recommendation, he has 15 years of experience. Why would you want to reject that opportunity and hire a 27-year-old who has worked as a lawyer for two years only?"

"Cary...", she wanted to say something in her defense but he interrupted her.

"I trust your judgement, I really do. But making a decision based on feelings? This could go horribly wrong."

"I am not making this decision based on feelings. I mean, I do have a good feeling about her. And you're right, she doesn't have as much experience in the field as your first choice, but I see very much potential here. Everything she did until now, she did well. For her age, she is very serious about her position. I think we should give her a chance."

Cary got up and looked out the window for a moment. In a way, he thought she might be right.

"What does David think?"

"Oh, as if he would give a damn." She said, rolling her eyes. He let out a short laugh and faced her again.

Diane left her chair to stand in front of him. She placed her hand on his shoulder and smiled, very convincingly.

"You are also quite intimidating yourself, Diane."

"Ha, I know. I'm just using it for my advantage." She winked at him and got back to her desk to grab her coat. "I think we'll just leave it at that, won't we?"

"Whatever you say, Mrs. Lockhart."

"It's late, you should go home, too."

"Oh, I would, but I still have some paperwork to finish up."

She looked at him and raised an eyebrow. Was he really going to hit the midnight hour again? He was very diligent after all.

"Goodnight, Cary." She looked at him, raising an encouraging smile.

"Goodnight, Diane."

* * *

Her walk to the car was quick but still kind of dragging. She was tired and if one looked closely, he would see it in her eyes. She's had some very long work days and it was getting to her. At times, she was weighted down with weariness. But she would allow that only for a moment.

And just as she got out of the building, some of that tiredness was blown away by cold rain and that extremely cold wind that gave her goose bumps after two seconds.

Diane hurried to her car and after opening the door in a rapid manner, she let herself fall onto the driver's seat. She sank into it and rested her head, looking out of the windshield. Raindrops were pouring down, reflecting the traffic lights. She observed that scenario without blinking, thinking about the events of the day. Nothing special happened, but it was even more exhausting because she did so much paperwork.

And that lawyer. Evelyn. She seemed so familiar, but she couldn't really place her.

She started the engine and struck off. She was driving fast, probably a bit too fast but she was just eager to finally get home.

The wipers were disturbing her vision and she felt like it was getting more and more blurry and eventually her eyelids dropped as she grew more tired.

For a second she drifted away, but being brought back to reality almost immediately when someone behind her honked repeatedly as she got slower and started dipsy-doodling slightly.

 _Thank God he noticed.  
_

It felt like an eternity before Diane reached her apartment.

She felt her head pound as she was walking up the stairs to her bedroom. She opened the door slowly and was happy to find her husband awake.

"Are you okay?", that was the first thing he said when he saw her, she didn't look contented.

She didn't answer him, she was too tired to talk. She walked up to the bed and let herself fall next to him.

"Why so tense?", he asked her, placing his palm on her cheek as she closed her eyes.

But he figured she was in no mood to talk. Talking could be pretty damn hard sometimes. Distressing.

So he just accepted it, stroking her hair gently and watching her. He could see her forehead wrinkle up now and then, she was probably contemplating.

"I'm going to take a shower.", Diane whispered and sat up straight. She looked at him and she was so grateful he could read her emotions without her having to explain herself.  
She leaned her forehead against his and rested for a moment, placing a whole-hearted kiss on his lips. She forced herself to smile lightly and got up and left the room.

* * *

Diane was cold as she dropped her dress, even more when she dropped her underwear. She got into the shower and her body responded positively to the warm water that embraced her. That was just what she needed, it was the opposite to what her day has been like, suddenly calming down.

Why was she even that stressed out? It's not like she ever really got home earlier.

No, something was bothering her but she had no idea what it was. Maybe it was just one of those days, but she was definitively ridden by something, subconsciously.

* * *

The bedroom was quiet and she was surprised to find Kurt asleep. She didn't realize she's been in the bathroom for an hour.

With that odd feeling in her stomach, she lay down and settled on Kurt's chest and closed her eyes.

She couldn't have known just _how_ odd the next day would be.


	2. Chapter 2

The phone was now ringing for the third time.

That's what it took to finally make her open her eyes after a night of restless sleep. She had a nightmare, or was it more of an unexpected, strange dream?

Diane Lockhart had done her best trying to forget the most painful day of her life. But somehow, it's haunting her again.

"Yes?", she said with the little voice she had, still tired and tongue-tied.

"Diane, where are you?". Cary seemed to be upset.

"I am so sorry, Cary. I think I overslept."

"You think? It's 9 o' clock."

Her eyes widened and she jumped out of bed immediately, almost stumbling over her own feet.

"I'll be there".

It almost made him laugh, hearing her swear while she was searching for the toothpaste.

"You know, Diane, I'll hang up now. Just hurry up, okay?"

"Sure. Sorry."

Oh, how she loved that. Waking up all stressed out. And why didn't that husband of hers wake her up?

* * *

The conference room was filled with people when she arrived. They seemed to be having a heated discussion. Did she really want to participate in it? Well, she had to.

She entered the room and sat down, David was obviously waiting for her, starting to snap at her the minute she got there. But she had to endure it because she had no other choice.

She pulled herself together. That discussion was just something she had to take in. She had to concentrate on her job and not let herself get distracted by anything.

"I'm glad we straightened that out.", Diane said when she left the room with Cary.

"Is Evelyn coming in today?"

"What?" He could see she reacted peculiarly to his question.

"Evelyn? The young lawyer you hired."

"Yeah, I know...I just didn't tell her yet.

"Tell her what?"

"That we chose her for the job."

"Oh, well then you better call her."

"I will. Oh, and David wanted to talk to you."

"What, why? We were just in there together. Why didn't he say something earlier?"

"I have no idea.", she shrugged and entered her office, leaving Cary in the hallway.

She shut the door and leaned against her chair, turning her head to look at the phone. She had to call Evelyn to tell her the good news.

She reached for the phone and called her number. Evelyn was lucky to hear that they didn't decide against her, because two other firms did.

* * *

Cary knocked on her door about 30 minutes later and found her in a comfortable position, heels on her desk.

"Hey Partner." He came in with a smile on his face.

"Did you call Evelyn?"

"I did...I just told her she can come in tomorrow."

An awkward silence followed and Cary sensed her being a little uneasy.

"Diane?" She looked up at him and raised her eyebrows.

"Do you know her?"

"No, why would you say that?"

She wasn't really sure what he wanted. She didn't notice herself being that obvious.

No, she didn't know her. But she knew that name. And it was freaking her out because she didn't meet a single person with that name until now.

"I don't know, it's just that you're acting strange whenever I mention her." He looked worried.

"It's her name."

"Her name?". He was curious and sat down on the seat in front of her.

"Is there a story to that? History?"

"It's nothing...30 years ago I knew someone named Evelyn. Things happened, people got hurt..."

She could feel her voice starting to shake as she recalled every detail of the last time she saw that Evelyn.

"Ever since that day I've been trying to forget her. Not forget exactly. Just repress the memory."

Cary could understand from the look on her face that she was feeling uncomfortable and he didn't want to bother her any longer.

"You don't have to go into detail, Diane."

"I wouldn't. No offence.."

"Non taken." He got up and nodded politely. "If you ever need anything.."

"I know." She smiled and looked behind him, seeing Kurt appear at the door.

"I'm going to get some lunch. See you later, Diane."

"Do that."

He left her office and grinned at Kurt.

Diane sighed and smirked at her husband who came to pick her up for lunch.

Kurt made a few steps towards her and she met him halfway, taking his hand and pulling him closer to take his head in both her hands and kiss him gently. He let his hands rest on her waist and returned her kiss, which she deepened that exact same moment- she was being generous.

Was that a sign for him to make the next move? No, he couldn't dare...could he?

His body responded naturally and he shoved her against her desk. She chuckled when he tried to lift her onto it, stopping him right there and taking his hands into hers. She let go of his lips and went past him.

"You're a crazy person.", she said through a laugh, leaving her office. He now chuckled himself and scratched his head with a grin on his face. He picked up the jacket she obviously left on purpose and followed his wife.

"I'm starved.", she complained when she shut the car door.

"Let's do something about it." He still had that grin on his face, and so did she.

She was playing with his hair while he was driving- _It's just what she does._

And he couldn't complain.

"Why didn't you wake me up this morning?"

"Oh, I did. Twice. You even said something so I assumed you were awake. Weren't you?"

"No, I wasn't. I was completely knocked out this morning, I don't remember saying anything."

"Well, it was more of a mumbling. And you opened you eyes." He looked at her and she looked pretty confused, letting go of his hair and scratching her own head.

"I have no idea."

"Maybe you just needed a snatch of sleep." He placed his hand on her thigh and rested it there for the last few blocks- _It's just what he does._

They picked a restaurant close-by and had a quick lunch. They didn't talk about anything in particular but she felt calmer now, his presence was soothing her. She felt great given how the day had started.

"So, how's work?

"Lawyerly?", she said, taking a bite from her chicken.

"You know, it's getting kind of lonely in the office sometimes. There's just not that much motivation and action anymore. I don't know, the only thing that seems normal is the arguments in the conference room."

"Had one of those today?"

"You wouldn't believe it...how was your day? How's that parking lot shooting thing going?"

"I don't know where my head is anymore."

She grinned and squeezed his hand. "Well, I guess we're in the same boat here, aren't we?"

"Looks like it."

The married couple finished their meal and left the restaurant. Diane got out of the door and turned to the car just as she felt a buggy bump into her.

"Oh dear, I am so sorry.", the old lady apologized.

"No worries, it's fine.", she replied with a smile, pressing her hand against her hip.

"Sorry, I really didn't see you there because my angel was making these cute faces..."

And _here_ comes the granny- talk.

The old lady was now very euphoric to tell them everything about her grandchild and they listened, for about five minutes, but excused themselves because they had to get back to work.

"You know, you will understand all these emotions one day. Just wait until your kids..."

"Oh, we don't have any kids.", Kurt interrupted her with a laugh.

"You don't? But doesn't that feel as if something's missing in your life?"

"We're perfectly fine. We're just not parent- people. "

"I see, well, I wish you two a very nice day. You seem like a lovely couple."

"You, too. And take care of your little one."

Kurt smiled at her and Diane forced herself to smile, too, already annoyed because she didn't want to be late twice- in one day.

"Can we please just get back already?" She seemed nervous.

"Sure. What's the matter?"

"Nothing, I just don't want to make a fool of myself again. I have to run a firm, you know."

"Everything's fine, don't you worry. Don't be so huffy."

"I'm not being..."

"Diane. No need to raise your voice." She wanted to say something but she knew it was going to end up in an argument, so she resisted and sighed soundly in response.

They didn't talk much on the way back to her office, although Diane needed to talk something away she's been hiding from him. From everyone. Sometimes even herself. But she had absolutely no idea where to start. Does is even matter? Why would she bring it up now that it couldn't affect her life anymore? Or could it, still? It was now present in her dreams and in her thoughts. All the time. She looked at him and watched him for a while.

But they were already at her office. She could tell him later. Or tomorrow. Maybe not at all? She had this odd feeling in her stomach again. But she knew one thing- she was on the horns of a dilemma.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews! So, here's the next chapter, I hope I can keep you interested.  
**

* * *

He had missed her. He was happy to find her scent all over him again.

Her back was pressed against the cold tiles and she closed her eyes to his touch and the hot water that was streaming down her body. His fingers on her collarbone, her breasts, her ribs, her stomach. Slowly, just the way he knew his wife liked it most.

Further down- she shrieked. He pressed her against the tiles harder, skin on skin.

She embraced him firmly, her fingers digging into his warm back. _Yes_ , she had missed him, too. She grabbed his hair as he bent over her. He kissed her, filled with such passion and desire, she would usually go weak at her knees at that very moment. But she didn't. She wasn't able to relax into his touch, his kisses. Not now.

But she wanted to. She wanted to make out with her husband so deperately, it's been a while since she last felt him.

So she kissed him back. Sweet, short kisses, brushing her lips lightly over his. With one hand she stroked his back gently and the other hand tugged at his hair while she deepened her kisses that were sort of hesitant to begin with. He had noticed her hesitation before, but he didn't want to ruin the moment and ask her what was wrong, given that he knew she probably wouldn't want to talk about it anyway. He decided to just forget about it for a moment, and he did because she was driving him crazy only by kissing him the way she did.

Diane felt his hands run over her bare wet body, her skin warm and smooth because they have been in that shower for a while now. It was the most perfect thing, wasn't it? The perfect place to be after a long day of work. The perfect time. They always had a good time in the shower. Why shouldn't it be as great as it always has been? They would soon know.

With one resolute move he lifted her up. She wasn't scared of falling, he's always taken good care of her. And she held on to his shoulders to balance herself. He opened his eyes for a moment, meeting hers. She tried to look at him the way she always did, but he noticed she was different. He could tell from the look in her eyes, he just knew her too well. Not only was she not in the mood, _she was in pain_. A kind of pain he couldn't really construe, but knowing it was present. And it affected her, for a reason? Maybe more than it should? He didn't know because she didn't talk about it.

He slowly let go of her and took a step back. She leaned against the wall and watched him, sighing and feeling her eyelids becoming more heavy when she saw the disappointment in his eyes. He _was_ disappointed. And worried. She knew he would like to question her. Maybe he even was angry because they were supposed to tell each other anything. And she didn't. But for now he just seemed worried and she didn't like that light outrage on his loving face.

She couldn't take it and closed her eyes. She walked past him and stumbled out of the shower, shivering as she was now standing in front of the mirror in the cold bathroom.

He didn't say anything, he followed her wordlessly and took a towel, approaching the door to leave the room but he freezed for a second, rethinking and turning around. He walked back to her and stood behind her. Their eyes met in the mirror and he placed a kiss on her shoulder. Encouraging and understanding. Then he left the bathroom.

The mirror showed that she was undertaking too much. It wasn't work-related though, it was eating her up from the inside and she didn't know how to let go. She managed it well the past 30 years. But she knew this moment would come. She anticipated it. Well, actually not anticipated it really, because it was _highly_ obvious that one day she would break under the weight of her secrets. She just didn't see it coming at that very moment. Although she had a lot of time to prepare herself, she never did because she was suppressing those feelings, delaying her thoughts.

She wrapped herself in her bathrobe and went to the bedroom, finding Kurt lying on the bed. He was waiting for her. She felt the corners of her mouth drop and she settled down next to him, clenching her teeth to keep herself from crying. But as soon as she felt his arms around her and snuggled up to him, she didn't care to keep her emotions to herself anymore. And it was okay.

Kurt felt her tears on his chest. It was probably the most agonizing feeling, seeing her like that. He was heart-broken and he knew these tears meant something. Diane Lockhart didn't cry. Not without reason. And she chose wisely what was really worth crying over. He figured this must be something that's causing her much distress and heartache. And he couldn't understand why she didn't at least try to share this with him.

He placed his lips on her smudgy cheek, leaving soft kisses there repeatedly, letting her know that he was there for her. She literally cried herself to sleep that night, but she was not alone. And it made her feel at ease- and loved.

It took her exactly 15 minutes to fall asleep, and he didn't stop caressing her until she did. Not even afterwards. Kurt couldn't sleep, he was upset and contemplative. He would let her have her rest and he wouldn't start questioning her as soon as she'd get up. Maybe he wouldn't at all. Not yet. But he had to know what was going on, what was bothering his wife. She hasn't been like that for long, it was only a few days but it appeared so strongly. And it frightened him because he knew how strong Diane is. How much she could bear. And this was not the Diane he knows.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you for your support! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

Diane woke up at 5am sharp. She was woken up by the sirenes of a passing ambulance. She got out of bed and walked up to the window, slowly pushing the curtain aside. The blue lights made it harder for her to see through her still tired eyes.

Kurt didn't hear nor realize any of that. His sleep was heavy because he got really tired after 3 hours of thinking. Diane knew he cared about her deeply enough to ask her what was going on, sooner or later. And she asked herself whether she should tell him the truth or make something up. But she was sure he would notice if she lied, and she didn't want to lie anymore. It was hard for her to keep such things to herself, because she knew he wouldn't hide that big of a secret from her. She should have told him about it right from the beginning. The moment she knew their relationship was meant to be serious, because he was actually obligated to know. If he shouldn't know, then who should?

But how was she supposed to tell him? Just say it, straight out? She wasn't sure if he would understand it. Her moves, her decisions. This was a topic that never came up really, and she wasn't sure how he would think about it. Would he judge her? Was he even in a position to be judging her? Could he understand her point of view and the dilemma she was in then and the dilemma she is in now? Maybe it would be easier to just show him a photo. The only photograph she had left that would remind her of her secret.

Right- the photo. She went to the other side of the bedroom, where her walk-in closet was. There was a small shelf at the highest altitude possible, not even Kurt could reach it without an aid, and he never felt the need to because he would always give her a little privacy. That's why he never saw what was in the box on the shelf. She hoped so at least.

She took the box from the shelf and sat down on the carpet. The box was filled with old photos, it was a mixture of many significant memories she wanted to keep. And there was that one photo, it was about thirty years old. And she kept it all the time although it would've been so much easier to just throw it away and forget about everything. But that's never how she wanted to do it. She couldn't. She had made that big mistake and she didn't want to make any more.

It was Diane in the photo. And someone else. Someone she did never tell anyone about. And then she looked at the date. She felt the need to say something, to make any kind of noise but her throat felt constricted. She put the photo back and placed the box where it has been for years.

"Diane?", she heard Kurt whisper. She was now standing in the middle of the small room, waiting for him to come closer.

"Good morning, hun.", she said with a smile on her face. "I know I'm awake early. I heard an ambulance and I couldn't sleep anymore afterwards." .

"An ambulance? I didn't hear anything.", he scratched his head and looked at her.

"I'm not surprised, you seemed dead asleep."

"Guess I was. You okay?"

"Sure, I was just trying to find something to wear." She approached him with a grin on her face, giving him a peck- it was an act. And he knew it.

"So, do you want breakfast or would you like to go back to sleep?"

"I think we should both go back to sleep. We'll have another two wonderfully lazy hours. Or you could spend two hours in your closet, what do you say, hm?". He reached out his hand and she took it, following him back to their bed.

Kurt sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. She positioned herself next to him and leaned against his shoulder, his arm draping her back, his fingers resting on her waist.

He didn't really want to ask her right away about yesterday but he couldn't just say nothing, it would appear as if he didn't care.

"So, are you going to tell me what yesterday was about?"

"Kurt, please..."

"I don't want to question you. I don't expect you to unburden your heart to me..Or maybe I do. Look, I just want to know if I can help you in any way. I do have a right to know, don't I?"

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I will tell you. Just give me some time, I need to collect myself."

She looked him in the eyes and she could tell he understood.

* * *

Lockhart, Agos & Lee. Diane was staring at that sign for a few seconds and realized just how much had actually changed over the years. Her thinking was interrupted by Cary who greeted her fugitively, but soundly. She walked into her office and right out again to get some coffee.

She suddenly felt something bump against her leg, it was a little girl and she looked lost. The girl looked at her and didn't move.

"Are you lost dear?" She didn't answer but stretched out her hands in order to get lifted up by Diane. And that's what she did.

"Who's child is this?", she shouted through the office. No one answered. She looked at Cary who was in the conference room, eyeing her and shaking his head. She gave him a confused look and turned around to go back to her office. She certainly forgot about the coffee.

She sat down on the sofa with her, observing her, having no clue what to do.

"Is that your grandchild?", she heard someone ask. Diane glanced up at the person in her doorway. It was Canning.

"I didn't even know you had kids."

"Did you knock?"

He scowled and turned around and started walking, pointing at the conference room.

"We're waiting."

"What am I going to do with you now, huh?" She was actually asking herself. She lifted her up again and went to the conference room, asking Cary to step out with a hand gesture.

"What is this?, she asked confused, still curious.

"Well...", Cary laughed.

"Your new lawyer brought her child with her on her first day of work."

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Diane was visibly appalled, raising her eyebrows. "Where is she?"

"She had to make a _very_ important call."

"Dear God. I hope this is a one-time thing. We have such great programs for mothers, why didn't she tell me she had a child?"

"Oh, I am so sorry Mrs. Lockhart!" Diane heard Evelyn's voice and turned around.

"I had to make a quick call but I am all ready for you now. Oh and good morning."

"Good morning. It's okay, but you should organize your schedule better next time. Shouldn't she be in daycare?"

"I was in such a rush this morning, don't worry, it won't happen again."

Cary gave Diane a sceptical look. She was a little upset but she would give her that chance.

"Okay.. you can sit in today. I'll give you some time to take care of her and drop her off. We'll expect you here afterwards." She smiled at the young blonde.

"Of course, Mrs. Lockhart. Thank you."

"Oh! And Happy Birthday, Evelyn.", Cary suddenly remembered.

"Oh, thank you Mr. Agos.", she smiled.

"I didn't know it was your birthday. Well, have a happy one." Diane grinned at her nicely.

Evelyn left and Diane and Cary got back to work. It was Evelyn's birthday today? It was shocking for Diane. Cary saw the look on her face but he didn't want to ask, she looked upset and very thoughtful. Moving her eyes and her mouth like that, she was either thinking or calculating, it seemed to him. And she was now moody because she still didn't get her coffee.

After about half an hour Evelyn came back, joining them in the conference room. And she really made it up to them. She was doing a great job, for hours, and she turned out to be _very_ smart. She actually reminded Diane of her younger self. Eager, motivated and highly focused. She knew what she wanted. And the partners of Lockhart, Agos  & Lee forgot about how the day had started.

Diane was in the kitchen, sipping her well-deserved coffee. She was still a little tired given that she didn't get very much sleep. But the caffeine did his job well.

She went back to her office where Evelyn was waiting for her. She just wanted to tell her how surprised they all were, and that some people underestimated her skills. Evelyn was happy to hear that she could still make a good impression. She found herself observing Diane. She was really focused on her and had something on her mind but she thought it was _way_ too early to talk about that. So she raised a wicked, forced smile, not sure whether she really wanted to smile at Diane or not, whether she _deserved_ it..or not.

Diane sensed her acting weirdly, her face being all tense, but she didn't say anything.

"Well, I guess I'll get back to work Diane." Diane was surprised to hear that come out of her mouth because they weren't on that level yet.

"Sorry, Mrs. Lockhart." She had that strange smile on her face again. But Diane couldn't tell if it was intended or if she just was a little odd.

"Yes, do that, Evelyn."

Diane turned her chair to the window and relaxed into the seat, still a confused look on her face. She suddenly felt insecure, maybe she shouldn't have gone with her gut because she now had a bad feeling. But maybe she was just imagining it and everything was fine.

She was jolted out of her thoughts by her phone ringing. It was Kurt. She smirked when she looked at the screen.

"Hello, love.", she said with a grin on her face.

"Hey. Got time for some lunch?"

"It's lunchtime already?". She took a look at her wristwatch, intruiged by how the time was flying that day. "Sure. Any place special planned?"

"Thought we could have lunch at home." There was something weird in his tone.

"Well, sure..is everything alright?"

"Sure.", he now said loudly. "Actually, I'm _not_ sure. Could you just come here, I think we need to talk."

 _We need to talk._ Isn't that the most horrifying sentence of all time.

"You sound upset. Did I..."

"We'll talk about it when you get here."

She didn't know what to say anymore so she just accepted it.

"Okay, I'll see you in a few." , she said and hung up. Couldn't she have just one normal, uneventful day? It wasn't that much to ask for, was it?

She grabbed her coat and her purse and left the 28th floor. And there she was in the elevator, alone. She could even hear herself think. It made her nervous that he didn't tell her what it was about. Was he upset? Did she do something wrong? She couldn't think of anything in particular she said or did. Maybe it was about yesterday, but she asked him to give her some time. And he said he would. It couldn't be that, could it? There was just something in his voice she couldn't really place, he seemed worried more than upset. Or was it more of an accusatory tone? Disappointment?

She took a deep breath and put her thoughts aside. It wouldn't help to think about it all the time anyway, it was probably just something minor.

* * *

Kurt heard her keys and got up from the sofa immediately. He didn't want to get into a fight with her. He was trying to calm down since he called her. And he was a little calmer now.

She came into the living room and dropped her keys onto the table. Then she looked at him. He noticed her insecurity. She seemed a little uneasy and he didn't want her to feel bad. The way she leaned against the table, tense and anxious. He walked up to her and helped her out of her coat, wordlessly. They looked each other in the eyes for a moment and he pulled her a little closer and left a kiss on her temple.

This conversation would probably be hard on her- if his assumption turned out to be true.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I don't want to keep you in suspense anymore. So this chapter will clear some things up. I'm still not 100% sure where this will be going eventually. Enjoy!**

* * *

It was weird. She did come here under the impression that it was something 'minor'. But Kurt was trying to comfort her which means that there had to be a reason comforting would be necessary. And it couldn't be anything pleasant, she was sure of that.

Diane shoved him away and walked past him to sit on the sofa. She knew it now- that was it. No more lying, hiding. Lying included concealing something, didn't it?

She didn't know how to start or if she should let him begin. So she hesitated, waiting for him to start talking, it was after all him who wanted to talk.

He was looking for answers for years, nothing in particular, it just seemed to him there was more about Diane Lockhart than she shared with him. He always had that thought in the back of his mind. She was not a liar nor did she ever betray him in any way, but although he was the more silent one in the relationship, he always knew that there was something she didn't dare to say. But he had never intended to be interfering with her privacy, she has been living alone for so long, he didn't think he was obligated to know every little detail about her past since him being in her life was actually a small part until now, with much more to follow.

Still, there were limits, and he has set his right at that exact moment. It wasn't only about her past anymore, it was now the _present._

Kurt remembered how the morning had started. He saw what she was doing in her closet, and his curiosity overwhelmed him when she left for work, not because he necessarilly needed to know what it was about, but because it was causing her so much distress, he could see it on her face. And he would do anything to try and take the edge off it. He didn't want Diane to feel bad about not telling him, he just needed an explanation. He still wasn't completely sure if it was really what it looked like.

He approached her with the photo in his hand, standing in front of her and holding it in both his hands for her to see it. She looked at it, but didn't focus on it. It was hard for her to hold her gaze there, it has always been hard, but now that _he_ was holding it, it was just all the more distressing.

Kurt was actually surprised how she didn't show any emotion. She only looked tired. She was constantly looking up at him and back at the picture, not knowing how to proceed. He watched her with a questioning, confused look on his face, his mouth half open, not sure if he should say something or if she would crack.

She was trying to find words to assemble a perfect sentence she could begin with but it was just too hard. Everytime the words seemed within her reach, they slipped away from her.

Kurt doesn't like talking. But they couldn't leave it at that, the time has come to lay all the cards on the table.

"Look..I might know what this is about. I sense you want to get something off your chest. And if it is what I assume, you should probably be the one talking right now."

She leaned her elbow on the armrest and rested her head on her hand, looking down. Psyching herself up.

"Diane?"

"Okay!" She almost shouted, letting off stream. He could hear her desperation in that single word. She sighed heavily and looked at him.

* * *

 _December 22nd. She was on the verge of starting her career as a lawyer and she was on a good way. Being a woman in that time, trying to compete with men to eventually be ahead, it has never been easy for her. But she knew it was the perfect time. Diane had always been someone who listened to both her heart and her gut, and it just seemed right at the time and she was motivated and eager to get it done, just as she always got things done, no matter how much she suffered and struggled, she never let anyone or anything degrade her. Impressed by her father's life, she knew she wanted to make it to the top and she knew she could._

 _Yes- that was how Diane Lockhart had wanted to pattern her life. These were her thoughts, her wishes. She was sure there was nothing that could stop her from doing what her heart desired, nothing could even jeopardise it in any way._

 _She looked at her watch. She should've got the results five minutes ago. There was no one else in the room, she was sitting on that very uncomfortable chair. That clinical atmosphere, everything was pretty sterile. She was feeling uneasy and couldn't wait to get out and breathe in some air, she was definitely breathless with excitement. But in that case she'd rather put a negative connotation to that excitement. It probably wasn't even the right word to describe her feelings. Scared. Angst-ridden. It was a whole mess of negative emotions overbearing her positive ones, her dreams, her wishes._

 _There was some noise around her now. And foot steps. Yes, she definitely heard foot steps that were slowly coming her way, the ugly grey tiles gave away it was the person she was waiting for, she recognized his walk because it was slow and dragging. She already pictured herself falling down onto those exact tiles out of desperation, anger, frustration, albeit he would think it would be out of excitement. The positive kind of excitement. She knew what he would tell her, and it was not unwanted really. Not unwelcome. Just really, really inconvenient._

 _December 22nd. That was when Diane Lockhart found out she was pregnant._

* * *

"Okay." Meanwhile he was sitting next to her, still holding the picture in his hands and looking at it. He placed it on the table and let himself sink deeper into the sofa, stretching out his right arm to pull her closer. She wrapped her hands around his body and snuggled up to him.

"So, that was when, thirty years ago?"

"Yes. It's been almost thirty years, I don't believe it. It's still overwhelming."

He looked her in the eyes for a few seconds, his eyes then wandering to the picture on the table. He pointed to the picture with one finger and looked back at her.

"So this...this is your child? In the picture, that is your daughter?" He stottered lightly. Although he had already assumed it, now that she was saying it outloud and telling him that dramatic story with such honesty, he was overwhelmed by his own feelings. He was actually speechless and as he was feeling so uncomfortable now, he couldn't even imagine how his wife must be feeling. She didn't tell him much more until now, but he knew that obviously something must have happened. Her daughter was not here now.

"You didn't want her? Because of your career."

"I did not _not_ want her, Kurt. All that this child here was for me at that moment..." She took the picture in her hands. "...was inconvenient."

She looked at him and he seemed confused.

"I don't understand."

"Don't you see that Kurt? I never wanted to have children. I knew it just wouldn't work because of the way I wanted to live my life. The way I already started living my life. And I was happy. I was finally happy because I knew where I was heading and what I was living for."

She stopped for a moment, taking a minute to collect herself. He just looked at her wordlessly. He took her hand and caressed its soft skin, showing her that he was trying to understand.

"When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't know what to do, honestly. I was desperate, everything I've worked for seemed to be falling apart. I was alone. I haven't heard from her father in days even before I knew I was pregnant, he just disappeared, which wasn't unusual for him. But that time, he didn't come back."

"Did you think about..?"

"I did. It was the first thing that came to my mind." She admitted heavy-heartedly.

"But you didn't..." Kurt looked at her and raised his eyebrows in a curious manner.

"No, apparently not." She said and gave him the picture.

"So, what happened?"

"It's such a long, complicated story..."

"Oh, don't try to find excuses again. You've started telling me about it, don't just stop."

"I'm not trying to find excuses, I have one. And it's called work. I'm already late."

He didn't look satisfied.

"Hun, I will tell you everything when I get back from work. You have no idea how relieving if feels to finally open up about it. And I am so grateful you are there for me. So, believe me when I tell you, by the end of the day you will know everything. And hopefully partly understand."

"You won't shut me out again?"

"Cross my heart."

Diane sat in her car and felt it taking a load off her mind. She hoped she would be able to think straight at work, at least for a few hours.

* * *

 _December 23rd. She now understood her life would change forever. But she couldn't know in what ways it would actually change. It was a new chapter in her life that she never thought she would have to place between the one she already concluded and the chapter that was supposed to follow._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry, it took me a while to upload this chapter, because I was really unsure what would be the right thing to do here. Btw: I know that in this chapter there's probably some characteristics you would not expect from Diane and it may seem too dramatic, but I guess it will all make sense eventually, it is just such a tricky topic. It has not much to do with her character now, but it surely could be a part of how it has _developed_ into the strong character she is.**

* * *

So many words she left unspoken. So many tears she had to hide. So many moments of relapse. Relapse into silence. Relapse into sadness. Relapse into something she didn't understand- It was ridiculously astonishing what she could hide by raising a fake smile.

Diane was deep in thought when Cary entered her office to remind her that her phone is ringing. She didn't even realise it. By the time she caught on, the ringing stopped. She looked up to Cary who was standing in the doorframe, knitting his brows in confusion.

"What?" She said, seemingly on edge.

He didn't expect that reaction. He didn't even say a thing and she acted as if he had just insulted her in the worst possible way.

"Nothing." He tried to smile and turned around again.

She took the stack of paper that was on her desk and threw it away. When she looked down she noticed there was a packet of aspirin in the bin. She had emptied that packet in two days. And that's when she realised she wasn't at her worst yet, because it was aspirin. Just aspirin.

* * *

 _Diane remembered the times when she felt much worse. No aspirin in the world could have helped her. She remembered Sertraline, Escitaloprame. There was something else, Fluoxetine? It was the pills she was supposed to be taking after she gave away the, probably, most precious thing of her life. It seemed so horrible when she thought about it, giving away her only child. But there was just so much more to that story._

 _But did she take those pills? Of course not. She was way too proud. She would maybe take one or two pills in a period of several weeks, she just didn't believe in it. And she felt embarrassed. Diane Lockhart had come to a point where she was weak, where she was not able to help herself anymore. Where it became so hard to make decisions, so others had to make them for her. But she felt her doctors interfere with her life, with her choices, with her character._

 _And she threw it away. She threw the pills away and every time she was at the verge of relapsing into her world of sadness and disappointment, she would go to the doctors and they would prescribe another 'drug'. Not knowing that she wouldn't take any of them._

 _No, Diane Lockhart never endured it. People were trying to help her but it seemed to her they were trying to make her aware of her own failure. She felt like they were demeaning and degrading her and she wouldn't allow anybody to make her feel worth less than she thought she was. She was after all strong and independent._

* * *

These thoughts were all that took her to feel a terrific kind of nausea. And she was getting sick of it. She realised she was not herself anymore, she realised that others had noticed it. She's become so very huffy and all of the sudden it seemed so much harder to hide what she was feeling.

At times she didn't like what she was feeling, so she would turn and run. From her thoughts, from her dreams and everything that was influencing her 'normal' state of mind. When did it become too much to handle? She has been having those feelings for such a long time, but the past few days got the best of her. And she knew why. There was just too many coincidences happening at work with her new lawyer. Yes, she thought it was all coincidences, she didn't have any other explanation. And she didn't want to think of any other reason because it just didn't make any sense. She was tired of it, couldn't take it. What was it now 4, 5 days? And she was already at the verge.

One thing was clear now. She had to do something about it. But what could that be? She was in no position to be having those feelings right now, it was just not the time. And she couldn't make it the time.

Evelyn was distracting her and she was reminding her too much of what she so desperately tried to forget. Or rather suppress. She has been handling it well and now everything seemed to be shattering. It wasn't clever to let herself get deflected like that. Her job didn't allow it. And her job was way too important, her clients were way too important. She couldn't bail on them. She couldn't.

She didn't have that many options. She could learn to live with it or she could fire her. But none of it would make sense at the moment.

"Great.", she mumbled to herself.

* * *

Diane finished up with her client and watched him leave her office. It was almost 9pm and it really was about time to leave. She didn't know how to feel about that though, would it be more relieving to go home to her husband and having to be confronted with that topic directly again? Or would it be easier to stay another hour or two, just to escape drowning in her emotions.

Her heavy eyelids made that decision for her and she started walking towards the elevator. She pressed the button and it felt like an eternity before the doors finally opened. She stepped in and leaned against the wall, feeling a sudden pain in her stomach. Did she eat today? She couldn't recall. 'I think I didn't. Why didn't I eat? Have I forgotten? I didn't feel no hunger..I probably just need a break.'

On her way home she realised how her lunch-date at home with Kurt earlier had evolved into deep conversation and sobbing. There has been no lunch. She didn't eat. So, she decided to get some take-out for the two of them. That seemed to be a good idea. She was too stressed out anyway, the least she could do to feel a little better was eat. Some energy wouldn't do any harm, would it?

* * *

Diane opened the door and put the keys and the food on the cabinet right next to it. It was dark and that awkward silence made her uncomfortable. She's actually been looking forward to see Kurt again, but it just seemed so very unfamiliar.

She took off her jacket and took the food to leave it in the kitchen. All the lights were out which seemed very strange because he was usually waiting for her in the living room.

She walked down the hall, it was cold. She slowly entered the bedroom, given that she was now assuming that he was sleeping. But he wasn't. He just wasn't there.

"Kurt?" She yelled through her apartment. She went from one room to the other, quite confused because he didn't tell her he would go anywhere.

She went back to the living room and she smiled when she looked out the window. There he was, covered with a blanket sitting on the balcony and enjoying his beer. 'What else.' She thought.

"Hello there." She said with a sweet grin on her face when she opened the door.

"Well, hello lady. You're kinda late today, aren't you?"

"I am. I brought some thai." She widened her eyes at her remark, knowing that he loves thai food.

"Come here." Kurt said, waving his hand to summon her. She stepped out and stood in front of him, running her fingers through his hair. He placed his hand on her thigh and grabbed it gently to pull her closer and leave a kiss on her stomach, actually the thin fabric of her dress. She calmed down, overwhelmed by a sudden feeling of safety. Did she even realise how soothing it was to have him around? Not completely.

She loved his gentle touch but she wasn't sure if she liked to be touched right now, because she was craving it too much. She wanted him to hold her very tight so she would not break, but she also felt herself becoming so emotional when he did.

It was a weird kind of dislike.

Kurt took her hand and pulled her even closer and she reflexively sat down on his lap, both legs on one side. He tried to cover them with the blanket a little and she buried her head into his chest, his hands wandering up and down her back.

After a moment of pleasant silence she looked at him and placed her right hand on his neck, stroking him lightly with her fingertips. It was so simple and plain, yet it felt so disorientating and wonderful at the same time.

A light wind messed up her hair and she laughed into his shoulder as he brushed his lips over her cheeks and jaw lightly.

"Are you really this perfect?" , she asked, eyes closed and grinning contentedly.

"No.", he said bluntly and kissed her tenderly.

"Good." ,she replied and returned his kiss. "Hungry?"

"A little." , he mumbled through his moustache silently.

Diane got up and took his hand, Kurt following her walk wordlessly.

She went to the kitchen and took the food from the kitchen counter, passing him and walking into their bedroom.

"Is that a good idea?"

"I guess it's easier to talk over food."

"Whatever it takes to finally make you honest." This remark was actually not intended to come out as an accusation but he had to admit it did sound a little accusatory.

"Excuse me?" She placed the food on the bedside table and turned around to face Kurt.

"What are you saying?" _And_ the enjoyable atmosphere from just a few seconds before vanished with this single sentence.

She thought he was understanding, which he was. But he was surprised that she thought it would be so easy. He was calm all the time because he didn't like her being so wiped out and sorrowful. But in fact it was upsetting him. He was not her colleague or her friend, not her neighbour or her client. He was after all her husband and he thought that he deserved to know. Yes, to be perfectly honest, he did want to know every detail about it. No matter how much distress it caused her, no matter how much pain she suffered until now. Wasn't he obligated to know? And Diane was still trying to run away from it, to romanticise it and make it less important. He was angry and he expected her to tell him the full truth and he would not beg anymore. He knew that the truth would set him free in a way, no matter how worked up he'd be about it at first. If it was hard on her, he was sure she knew that she could trust him. If she needed to cry, he would let her, this was a safe place after all.

He was human, just like her, and sometimes anger would get the better of him. They never fought really, a few meaningless disagreements now and then. But this, this was huge. She didn't seem to realise how hard it would be on him, too. He loved her with all his heart, he has never cared about anyone so deeply before. And he couldn't understand how she thought they could 'just talk about it while eating thai food in their bed.'

This was serious and she had to put an end to hiding and deafening silence.

"Diane?" His voice came out a little louder now. "Sit down."

"Why are you being that way? I don't understand, one moment you are _so_ understanding and now you're criticising me? Blaming me? Are you serious..." He interrupted her and held down her hands she was raising in disbelief.

"I didn't blame you for anything, just because I said that I want you to be honest? When have I ever hidden that big of a secret from you, tell me?"

She didn't say anything, just let go of his hands and sat on the bed.

He sighed heavily but didn't turn around to look at her.

She focused her gaze on a spot on the wall in front of her, trying not to say anything that would upset him any more or make the situation even less comfortable. Her hands were resting on her thighs and she felt them shake lightly, making her grasp her dress strongly. As she was staring at the wall, tears welled in her eyes.

"I named her Evelyn."

Kurt removed his gaze from the floor and looked up, taking a few seconds and then turning around to look at her. She seemed preoccupied in thoughts, somehow irretrievably lost.

He sat down next to her on the bed, maintaining a short distance and joining her in looking at the wall.

"Evelyn Diane."

He now started to listen attentively.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Here's the next chapter. And don't worry, there's gonna be many more details soon.  
**

* * *

Diane was struggling. It was after all something she had kept hidden all the time. She was carrying this utterly painful truth, which was knotted to pent-up anger and misery, under her breastbone.

At times she would feel this truth trying to exit her body, trying to transform into an audible voice that would preferably leave her mouth. And it happened before. Once in her life it really happened. She confided it to someone. But she didn't want to tell Kurt about that. She was afraid he might get upset because he would think that there was someone who she trusted more than him. That wasn't the case exactly though, it just kind of slipped and the situation played out like that. But she was happy that it had happened with that person and not with anyone else.

After all those years, Diane thought, her secret would finally have decayed into something that would never get back to life. But given recent occurrences, it did manage to stir back to life somehow.

Sometimes she thought that those were things she just didn't want to say, wouldn't dare, she just couldn't conquer her weaker self. Not even to someone she loves.

But she realised that time had passed and she was now about to reveal what has been occupying her mind for so long. And she was trying to figure out what it was that she was feeling while opening up to her husband.

It occurred to her, it was relief.

"I wanted to give her a name that meant something. Not any name, not a very common name." She moved her head a little to her left and faced Kurt to look him directly in the eyes. "You know, I never realised how important and demanding it could be to give someone a name."

Kurt was watching her lips move slowly while her words were tinged with a specific kind of sadness. He wasn't used to seeing her like this. His usually strong-nerved and gallant wife seemed to be at a weak spot now.

Right now, she was not a determined, daring, fearless lawyer. She was now just a human being, swallowed up by her feelings and thoughts. As hard as it was seeing her like this, it was so absorbing to see her transmogrify from being Diane Lockhart, top litigator of Chicago, to Diane. Just Diane.

"How did you come up with that name?", he asked, overwhelmed by how she was still not loosing her cool completely although she seemed to break under her words.

"I thought she deserved a name that would always remind her of how strong she is. Just how special and loved she is. She was one of a kind."

Diane smiled when she talked about her daughter that way. She calmed and a mild rush of endorphins run through her priorly so tensed body.

She lifted her legs to find a more comfortable position and leaned against the headboard. She could now see Kurt who didn't move but stayed on that side of the bed, not wanting to interfere with her opening up to him. He wanted to keep a distance between them because he knew it would be easier for her that way, she would just get too emotional when he came closer or held her.

"'Evelyn' has actually a lot of meanings. But the first one I learned about was 'life'. It means 'life', it's an old American name, it just came to me at that moment. When I held her. I didn't really like that name that much, it just seemed adequate. But I thought, what could be more fitting than this? There is nothing more important than life itself and I figured it should be like that. She should be there, she should carry that name because it seemed that it was meant to be. I was living that wonderful, rich life that could be hard and unfair at times. But I enjoyed every minute of it and I knew that little girl would become part of it. No matter how inconvenient it was at the time, she was there and the moment I saw her I knew she was my life."

She watched him. He was very attentive, just as he always was. That was one of his countless qualities and gifts that made him-Kurt. He would always be attentive. A good listener. Someone you could rely on. They were good. Always.

"Well, and that second name...I don't know why I gave her my name. I assumed it would mean a deep bonding. And I actually liked how it sounded. It was unique."

Kurt leaned back a little, not taking his gaze from her. It was intriguing to hear her back-story told with such honesty and melancholia. But he was confused. The way Diane explained to him what happened, how she felt about it and how she was feeling right now while she was talking about it. It just didn't make sense to him. She looked sad but at the same time contented, he couldn't really comprehend her words. He understood what she said, but it occurred so plain and he was sure it was much more profound and deep. She was telling this story as if she had loved every minute of what'd happened back then and as if it was normal. As if nothing bad had happened afterwards, as if her daughter was still with her. Here.

"What happened?", he asked, almost a little fiercely.

She was surprised by his attitude and wondered what she did wrong. She was just being honest. That was what he wanted, wasn't it?

"Don't give me that look, Diane.", Kurt said, throwing back his head lightly. He sighed and looked at her again. He wasn't angry. But he noticed she was tempted to beat around the bush again.

She never liked to talk. Of course she was much more talkative than he was, but when it came to her feelings, it was hard and demanding. Whenever she was about to talk about something that caused her pain and distress, her throat felt constricted in the worst way possible and it was hard to even say one single word. As long as she would keep talking about the pleasant, rare moments, it would be easy.

But she was actually doing it for the sake of Kurt, whom she loved dearly. And that's why it indeed felt right. She had to say it already. She thought that there definitely was greatness in doing that for him. And it would even make her proud of herself.

"What..what happened?", Diane asked a little confused.

"Yes."

"What do you mean?"

"Afterwards. What happened?"

"Oh, I assumed you might want to say something. I'm actually waiting to hear something from you. Anything."

"I like the idea."

"You like the idea?"

"Yeah. Of giving her a meaningful name. And adding yours."

 _Bluntly as always_ , she thought.

She didn't know if that should upset her or make her laugh. So she just smirked at him lightly.

"Okay." She sighed heavily.

* * *

 _She was holding her in her arms as if she would not let her go anymore. Never. It was the most overwhelming feeling Diane had ever experienced. And it made her both anxious and excited. What would be the next step? How would all this go on? She liked what she was doing, she was enjoying the moment, trying to memorise every second. Every move, every blink of her eyes. She felt her tiny fingers grasping arbitrary, eventually resting on the soft skin of her mother's chest. It was surreal._

 _Later that night, she tried to fall asleep. But she couldn't. She wasn't in any pain actually, her happiness had overborne every other feeling. Still, she was thoughtful. How could this ever work? It couldn't. She felt the number of endorphins decrease at the same moment, she was getting back to reality._

 _Law. The law was what she lived for. She was happy where she was now. That was it._

 _She looked at her child and suddenly felt a heartache that got the best of her. And she looked at her differently. She was not a gift anymore, she was now a burden, interfering with everything she had._

* * *

"So, you gave her up for adoption?" He had a concerned look on his face.

"Two weeks later."

She closed her eyes and leaned harder against the headboard. It was agony all over her face.

"My God. Now that I say it out loud, it sounds all the more awful."

"You're not awful." He said to encourage her. She opened her eyes and looked at him, stretching her hand out to him.

He understood her request and sat down next to her, taking her hand and holding it firmly.

"Why now?"

"Why it bothers me that much right now?"

"Yes. Did something happen?"

She held his hand even more tightly now.

"We hired a new lawyer recently."

"And?"

"Her name is Evelyn."

"Okay.", he said, knitting his brows. His fingers now drawing patterns on her thigh.

"It's just, I was never confronted with her name until now. And she's been acting so weirdly." She sighed. "I don't know what's happening, I'm probably just being stupid."

"You know what?"

She didn't answer, just gave him a questioning look.

"It seems like a long story. I'm not gonna make you tell me every detail at this very moment.. I am pretty sure the food got cold but we should probably have a bite."

"You're right."

"And afterwards, you're going to take a long bath. Relax those muscles and your mind."

"Okay.", she said while she felt unexpected tears running down her cheeks.

He removed those with his thumbs gently.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for the long delay. This chapter is a little shorter, but I hope you'll still enjoy it. Thank you for your support, it really means a lot. Of course I am always curious about what you think so just let me know. I hope I can keep you interested ;) _I'm gonna put writing on hold for a while.._  
**

* * *

Diane shuddered when she felt his hands on her stomach. She was sitting between his legs, leaning against his chest, her head resting on his left shoulder. She didn't remember the last time she took a bath, but that was always the time she felt so much herself. And with Kurt there, it was all the more enjoyable.

She was feeling comfortably numb for a moment, closing her eyes, breathing soundly and almost falling asleep while he was caressing her skin. She felt her face getting warmer and moist, not sure if it was from the hot steam or if she was sweating.

But just when she felt her head drop a little, she widened her eyes abruptly, trying not to drift away.

She leaned back against his shoulder and exhaled strongly, attempting to blow away the few hair streaks that didn't fit into her barrette and were now sticking to her forehead. Kurt took care of those instead and kissed her on her shoulder when she turned her head to face him.

This was actually a rare moment, the two of them taking a bath together. But at this point, he was being there for her, giving her comfort and shelter.

She couldn't take his gaze for long, he was just too adorable and conveyed without him using words that he was supportive and understanding. The anger from before was gone and he just kept looking in her eyes in which he saw a remarkable glint. She was always astounded how he managed to make her feel better, no matter how awful she felt about herself, he always succeeded in making her feel like a prosperous, fair rose when she herself felt like an inconspicuous, weak daisy.

After a few seconds she turned her head away again.

"I had the chance to be a mother and I gave it up for my career. Kurt, I didn't want that. Neither of it, I was really starting to develop certain feelings for her and I loved her, I can't even describe that. And I was still so insecure and selfish. It was exactly after 10 days that I started having second thoughts and I acted on it. Instead of fighting against that feeling I actually acted on it and chose that way, the easier one for me which I always knew was not the right one."

Kurt let his fingers trail up and down her arm while she was talking. He took her very seriously and listened carefully to what she was saying.

"It all happened very quick, I had one weak moment, one single weak moment when I decided that not raising her would be the smartest decision. It was a moment of sudden faintness and I made a decision without thinking it through sufficiently and I regretted it the moment she was gone."

"Was there no way of getting her back?"

"I don't know, there probably would've been ways and resolutions, in a way. But the family she was with then...they were dishonest in many ways and I just never managed to reach them anymore. I tried, I really did. I was done, I was glum and numb and I had trouble moving on."

"But you did."

"Well, you know me. Always the fighter.", she grinned lightly at her remark.

"Did you ever try to find her again? Later?"

"I did. It was pointless."

He studied her face and saw her uncertainty and vulnerability .

"So, I guess I'll just go back to normal. Working late, acting as if the past is still in the past."

"You know, you're good at pretending. If you hadn't acted that strangely recently, I never would've guessed that something that big is occupying your thoughts. For years."

"Over time I've become very good at it. I don't even know if it's still intentional or just habit by now."

"So, what are you going to do now? You can't act like it doesn't bother you. I know it does. People notice."

"I don't know, Kurt."

"Are you going to be able to work with that lawyer woman if she reminds you that much of her?"

"Kurt, I'm a grown woman. I may have had issues with that and I'm sure I still will but it's ridiculous to let myself get distracted by that."

He looked at her. Worried. And curious about one thing.

But she already disentangled herself from his arms and got out of the bathtub, wrapping herself in her robe and turning around to look at him again.

"Do you really think it's all just happenstance?", he looked up and asked her.

"What? What do you mean?"

"That Evelyn at work. There are many similarities."

She laughed at the absurdity.

"Don't be stupid, Kurt. I see what you're trying to imply."

He was meanwhile next to her and toweled himself.

"Just found it odd." He replied simply.

She stood in front of him and grabbed his face with both her hands.

"Kurt, that's ridiculous." She said and kissed him gently.

"Just trying to figure out what to do here."

"I am fine, Kurt. I think I just needed to open up to someone. I will take care of the situation at work."

Diane said that, almost persuaded of her own words. But she had to admit to herself that she thought about that, too. Moments when she thought the same thing as Kurt- _it really was odd_. But it just seemed quite a stretch and she just wanted to let it go already. She was a professional and she had a job to do. And so did Evelyn. And they would have to work together.

Diane Lockhart couldn't be unprofessional. It was not the time and not the place, neither at home nor at work.

Kurt was waiting for her in the bedroom and already put out her nightwear. Thoughtful as always.

He thought about a few moments ago, and it felt weird. It was the first time that they didn't feel the urge to sleep with each other. They were naked in a bathtub, cuddling and they just didn't move. He smiled when he realised there was just so much more to their relationship. And he was happy about that. They made a life together. They shared their life and everything that came with that.

Diane was thinking about the same thing, but she also had some other thoughts. She was thinking about the other night when they showered together and she ruined it. That was at least how she felt like. She knew he was understanding but she also saw in his eyes that it didn't go the way he thought it would. She didn't even remember the last time they made love. But now that she felt so relieved it was so much easier for her to relax and shove her thoughts aside when she was with him, she decided it was time. And he really deserved it, after long days of being patient, after taking her mood swings, her talking, her being silent, her being sad and unhappy.

And when she returned to the bedroom and saw him sitting on the bed, she just untied her robe again and let it slide down her body.

Kurt raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth slightly. And that was all that it took them.

It seemed to slowly be getting back to normal. And it would work just like that, just as simply and beautifully- if there wasn't much more to come.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Here's the new chapter for you guys. I know it was ages ago that I updated it but I was just too busy. I hope you had some wonderful holidays, enjoy!**

"200,000.", he offered with a semi-polite smile. "That's our offer."

The young blonde grinned archly and shook her head, not letting her smile fade for a second.

"You will have to do better than that." , she responded simply, getting up and taking her file. She actually had an intimidating effect on her opponents. With those words she turned on her heel and left the conference room.

Diane got up shortly after, impressed by the young lawyer's appearance. It has been a tough few days but Evelyn was doing a great job, her help was greatly appreciated.

Yes, Diane managed to let go, she focused on the work that had to be done and sometimes almost forgot everything and everyone around her, including Evelyn whom she now only tied to work and nothing else. It would be absurd to think differently. Evelyn has already become an important part of LAL. She and Cary were getting along very well and handling a lot of cases together. Last night they actually both hit the midnight hour, with no hint of weariness in their eyes. Diane was happy that the two of them downright clicked.

Diane was already drinking her fourth coffee and it was not even noon. She was sitting in her chair and going through some paperwork, sipping her way too hot coffee and actually burning her tongue lightly. That happened conspicuously often the past few days, she's been just too eager at trying to stick to work that she didn't really focus on the other things she was doing. She wanted to keep it that way, to not fall into old habits or think too much.

She dialed Kurt spontaneously, not wanting to have lunch alone. She dialed him a second time. And a third time. Vainly.

Not reaching her husband made her decision about lunch a lot easier. She just wouldn't have any.

She sighed and got up, stretching a little and looking out the window. It was a lovely day and she closed her eyes to that feeling for a brief moment, enjoying the light sunlight her exhausted body caught. A sudden feeling of relief rushed through her body, causing her to smile for no apparent reason.

A few hair streaks were all of a sudden wandering over her face but she didn't open her eyes because of that. She was actually brought back to reality by the noticeable sound she heard when someone slammed the door. That must have also caused the light wind she felt.

She turned to her left and saw Evelyn stay there.

"I knocked.", she said loudly, trying to sound as persuasive as possible.

"Oh, I didn't hear anything. Is everything alright?", she smiled, apologetically.

"Sure, looks like you were deep in thought."

An awkward silence filled the office, both parties were now not really sure about how to proceed. Diane still didn't feel that comfortable talking to Evelyn. Especially not when they were alone.

"You..you can sit down if you like."

"Oh, no, I think I'll just go back to work."

Diane was now confused, letting herself sink onto her chair slowly and taking her glasses off. She looked at her and was unable to read what she could want. Coming into her office, closing the door and walking right out again? That couldn't be it.

"I assumed that you needed something.", she tried to keep the conversation going, now very curious about Evelyn appearing in her office. She looked at her with her eyes slightly widened, raising her eyebrows and waiting for an answer. A proper one.

"Actually, I don't think this is a good idea..I'll just leave.", Evelyn said, already clutching at the doorhandle."

"No, Evelyn, wait." ,Diane said with her pleasant mild voice and got up, taking a few steps towards her. "Just tell me."

She was now very persistent, no way she would just let her walk out like this. All sorts of things were now going through her mind, the part of her that she tried to build a wall around broke instantly and further words failed her.

"Mrs. Lockhart..", she looked down.

"Diane."

"What?", she asked surprised.

"Diane. Please call me Diane.". She did manage to voice these few words.

"Okay..well, Diane, it's nothing, it's stupid. I was just thinking about asking you to have lunch with me since I don't really like eating alone. But what a crazy idea, right, asking the managing partner to have lunch with me. Never mind."

Diane didn't know how to react. This wasn't what she was expecting to hear, she didn't really know herself what she was expecting but it certainly wasn't this. In a way, it wasn't enough. She figured she must've overreacted and misread some signs. The sudden uneasiness was overwhelming and she was undecisive. She didn't really have a reason to turn her down but the mere fact that she was feeling so uncomfortable right now, maybe without proper reason, made it easier.

"I actually don't have a problem with that, I just already have plans.", she smiled politely.

"Of course you do.", she grinned at a strangely looking Diane.

"Sorry for bothering you."

"Oh don't worry, it's fine. Maybe another time." She couldn't even take her gaze anymore.

Evelyn nodded and left the room quietly while Diane's eyes were following every move of hers until she disappeared from the hallway. She moved her hands to her hips and exhaled strongly, shaking her head lightly.

A split second later she heard her phone buzz and she secretly hoped it was Kurt. But it was work, a quick call that she ended with deep sighing. Her husband seemed to be very occupied today. She held her phone in her hand for a minute, asking herself whether to try him again or to just let go. She didn't know what to think about what just happened, it was actually nothing but she was somehow stressed out now. Maybe it would be good to talk to him, maybe he would have some wise suggestion. She knew how his few words could always make her feel better so easily.

And she tried him again. Nothing. And she let go eventually, she didn't want to appear too intrusive. What she didn't know is that Kurt was already on his way to her office to pick her up for lunch. He didn't really approve with the way she handled the situation, she was distracting herself with work so much that sometimes she forgot to eat. And he would make sure that her body would stay healthy, given that her mind was already suffering from too much occupation.

Diane was roaming through the hallway, trying her best not to get herself another coffee. She was going through some files and walking up and down the room, feeling a few beads of sweat forming on her forehead. She had no idea what she was doing, she was somewhat frightened and it surprised her how easily she could get affected by a conversation that was no more than a few meaningless sentences. The eminent "What if..." was running through her mind, she was nervous, one would say without cause.

While she was deeply reflective, standing in the midst of the hallway, she felt a strong pair of hands clutching at her hips from behind, firmly holding onto the fabric of her red dress. That sudden feeling caused her to startle, remove the warm hands from her body and turn around, only to see Kurt smiling at her.

She was actually happy to see him, she was longing for his words but she couldn't react properly to his being there. She didn't expect that at all.

Unable to voice anything, she just stood there and looked at him, a frightened look in her eyes as if she has just seen a ghost. He came closer and his face was showing confusion, his fingers slowly trailing over her face that was just a little too moist for the current temperatures.

Kurt's eyes wandered from her face to the person appearing behind her. The person was on the phone, laughing lustily. He looked at Diane's pale, blank face that didn't move at all, yet he felt like he just heard Diane laugh.

"What?", she asked with a slightly broken voice when she observed his mouth opening, his eyes taking on a disconcerted look.

He didn't know what to say, he was now a little numb. So he decided to change the subject, realizing they were both feeling pretty uncomfortable. But he had no idea why she did feel that way.

"You called.", he said simply.

"You called me four times.", he emphasized, taking her hand and brushing his lips over hers.

"I did. You ignored my calls?", she asked, distancing herself a bit.

"What? No. I didn't hear my phone."

"You didn't hear your phone."

"Yeah. And when I saw your calls I came here, I take it something isn't right."

She let go of his hand and went back to her office, he followed her and closed the door behind him.

"So you were busy today.", she said, leaning against her desk.

"I was.", he replied bluntly. "So, will you tell me what's going on?"

Diane looked down. She couldn't even put into words what was on her mind. His implications a few days ago were now bothering her, she had a feeling it could still turn out to be true.

"That woman out there..", he pointed at her lightly. "That's her, isn't it?" His deep voice was now all serious.

She nodded.

"Okay..". He sat down in front of her desk and pulled her closer, she appreciated that, letting herself slip onto his lap.

"What happened? You seemed so calm these days..", Kurt asked with a concerned voice.

"What if you're right?"

"What makes you think that?"

"She asked me to go to lunch with her. I can't tell if it was random or if she wanted to tell me something with that."

"She asked you to lunch? And now you're worried, what, she might be your daughter?"

"You find this funny?", she asked him, appalled by his choice of words and got up.

"No, wait." He got up too and looked at her, she was now having her arms crossed and looked discontented.

"I don't find it funny. Maybe it's just too early to jump to conclusions."

"What if it's true? What if she knows and does it on purpose, leaving me in the dark like this?"

"So, you're sure?", he asked, raising his hand lightly.

"No, I am not sure, I am just having a weird feeling about this and it's getting to me."

She sat down again, resting her head on her hands.

"Her laugh does remind me of yours though."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I'm sorry I'm updating so rarely lately but there has been a lot going on. But I finally found some time to continue. I hope you like the idea of including someone who is dearly missed. Enjoy and let me know what you think!**

"That beautiful, heartfelt laughter."

She looked up at him, processing what he was saying.

"If you hadn't been standing right in front of me, I would've thought it was you."

Diane looked away, going through the papers on her desk. She took a pencil and played with it, clearly nervous. Kurt caught on and sat down next to her. He withdrew it from her hands, she already seemed distracted.

Instead, he took her hand and squeezed it lightly, looking at her and trying to find her eyes that were staring at her desk. She calmed when he held her hand more firmly, appreciating the way the palm of his other hand grazed her back.

What could she do? Or what should she do? It was hard, it was new for her to worry that much, to think too much about the possibility of failure. She was never that uncertain about anything and she could barely take it anymore, being all of a jitter at her desk. She was always good at keeping it together and this recent uneasiness was distressing, even for a woman like Diane.

There were not that many options left. Diane had to make a decision, a decision that could mean everything and cause severe changes in her life, cause pain and ache but happiness and serenity eventually? Or else it could result in embarrassment and turmoil, she might lose her employee's trust or possibly even lose her employee. A woman, completely innocent, might think Diane's not a trustworthy person, she could seem odd or disorientated. Could it impact her reputation?

She is an adult. She knew that. But it was still hard, deep down she was feeling things that any other person would and although it was normal, it was a too unfamiliar feeling to handle at the moment. Not knowing if that might be her daughter sitting just a few feet away in the next room made her feel very uncomfortable.

Diane raised her eyes, meaning to look at Kurt but the look she intended unintentionally drifted to the office across the small hallway. The empty office.

"Will you get me some tea?", Diane asked, almost absentmindedly, not taking the gaze from the room.

"Okay." A simple answer but a clear tone to it, somewhat worried, still wanting to give her a moment.

* * *

" _Another sip?", he asked, a sweet smile on his face, challenging her. He was already holding the bottle in his hands, ready to pour more of the golden liquid into her glass._

 _She looked squarely into his eyes and smiled approvingly, aware of that he knew she wouldn't pass. They have shared their late-night drinks way too often to be thinking differently._

 _The handsome lawyer obeyed Diane's look and filled her glass with just enough spirit to make her spill what was going on earlier that day in his office. Not with him- but with that ballistics expert._

 _He sat down next to her and smirked wryly, waiting for his partner to catch on._

" _What?", a confused grin slowly forming on her face._

 _He laughed and took a sip from his drink, nodding at her oddly._

" _Will...", she raised an eyebrow, a quizzical look rushing over her face._

" _So, tell me...", he began, turning his body to her to face her and observe her every move, looking for micro expressions that would tell him the truth._

" _That McVeigh guy.."_

 _Diane knitted her brows in confusion, studying her partner and waiting for him to continue._

" _Those looks you gave each other.."_

" _Will...",a warning tone escaped her throat. She hasn't been that obvious, has she?_

" _You don't even have to say anything, Diane." As she was now unsure how to proceed, she was thankful she had that drink in her hand so she could take a long sip and think about a way to make him stop digging. She somehow didn't really realize herself that something was cooking between her and the ballistics expert and it was all the more unnerving that other people did. Well, Will did. Of course he did, how could he not._

" _Ha!", Will added, eventually catching a slight but significant micro expression of hers. Something definitely was cooking._

" _I'm onto you Ms. Lockhart.", he smiled, chugging what was left in his glass. "Oh, remember when he said that today- Ms. Lockhart."_

 _Diane rolled her eyes at his remark, clearly annoyed now. But she had to admit that it was entertaining._

" _Is it just me or was there something in his voice, something..."_

" _William.", she interrupted him, a seriousness to her tone. She always liked to share things with Will but in this case she wasn't even sure what she would be sharing._

 _Diane knew she somehow was attracted to that man. And what a man, a man she never would've pictured herself with. Someone who she never thought could ever be her type. And he wasn't. But she knew there was this weird kind of tension. It was obvious that whatever he would want to say to her or do to her, she wouldn't reject it. As interesting and tempting as it was, growing closer to a man she completely disagreed with, as compelling as it was to explore if they would ever be able to find common ground, she could not be that unprofessional._

" _I am not leaving this office until you spill it, Diane."_

" _Really?", she grinned, taking a look at her watch. 11:30pm._

" _Really."_

 _She looked down at the glass she was still holding and smiled to herself, blushing lightly. That was enough for Will. He didn't need her to voice it._

 _Her smile faded a moment later, making Will feel a little uncomfortable. No one could read Diane Lockhart's poker face._

" _I could spill another thing."_

" _Don't feel constrained to tell me anything, Diane."_

" _You know, I always felt the need to tell someone. But I always had a bad feeling about telling people."_

" _You don't have...", he tried to respond._

" _But I do have a good feeling about telling you.", she whispered those last words. Will nodded encouragingly. He studied a now serious and insecure Diane, a little nervous about what his partner would have to say. Or confess._

* * *

"You okay?", Kurt brought her back to reality.

"Yeah.", she responded, looking back at Will's former office and raising a secret smile, trying to set aside the memory she had of that night, an understanding attentive Will, taken in by the words he was hearing from his partner, his fellow, his friend. Yes, she was happy that she had confided in someone and she was all the more happy it was _that_ someone. Will and Kurt were the only people whom she ever told about Evelyn.

"Here's your tea." She took the hot mug and smiled at him, letting him know she was thankful.

"So, are we still having lunch?"

"Sure, just a sec.", she said when she saw Cary in the hallway. She got up and walked up to him.

"Cary, can you take my two o' clock later?", she asked him hastily, raising her eyebrows.

"Well, sure, Diane. Why, won't you be here?"

"I'm not sure yet, I think I need to clear my head a little."

"Okay.", he replied quietly and nodded.

Diane turned around to go back to her office, when she heard him say something.

"Hey!"

She turned around again and he approached her quickly.

"Did you know that her second name is Diane?", he grinned almost hysterically.

"What?"

"Evelyn's second name is Diane."

He now looked at a completely perplexed Diane.

"Cary, what?" , she asked him more loudly this time. He wasn't really sure about how to react, did she expect him to repeat that again or was she really that surprised? Or shocked, more like angst-ridden. His mouth was half-open, a confused look on his face.

"You did understand me, didn't you Diane?"

Diane didn't respond. She just stood there, now fully aware of what was going on. It felt like a punch in the gut that was overpowering her. She walked past Cary and left him there, confused about how she took it.

Kurt was standing in the doorframe and watched her. He heard what Cary said but he was certainly not going to interfere with what Diane was going to do.

It was rapid steps and movements, Diane was no longer able to keep it together. She felt the urge to confront her and and she couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by it. She couldn't really tell if it was anger, sadness, anxiety or a hint of relief bottling up inside her but it was certainly not endurable.

She walked into Evelyn's office and shut the door, no hesitation visible.

Evelyn looked up from her desk and typed a last word on her computer without taking her eyes off Diane. She then put her hands on her thighs, clutching at her skirt nervously. Diane looked enraged.

"Why are you here?", Diane asked nervously, her voice shaking; clenching her teeth to prevent an outburst of emotion.

"Why am I here..", Evelyn said, disconcerted, but having a sketchy idea of what her sudden appearance was about.

"Evelyn, _why_ _are you here_?". A louder, still shaky, voice escaped Diane's throat as she felt tears well in her eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thank you everyone for your great support. I know it has been a month since I updated, but I hope you'll be satisfied with this chapter. It's getting complicated ;)**

Diane knew it would be like poison if she kept that anger inside. Anger blended with anguish and uncertainty.

"How can you stay _so_ calm?", Diane spoke desperately, stepping closer and leaning her fist against her desk. She was deadly serious and you could read it in her eyes. Her face was tense and she looked as if utter emotional distress had overcome her. Even Diane had to drop her attitude at a certain point, she couldn't always be perfect and reluctant concerning her emotions.

Evelyn got up and walked around the table, not past Diane but taking the other direction. She couldn't take her direct gaze being so close to her. So she stopped at the other side, now opposing Diane. She swallowed hard and sighed, a kind of anxiety rushing through her body. Diane noticed her insecurity and it seemed like her intention was to get out of there. She didn't look like she wanted to have that conversation with Diane, she rather looked like she wanted to run. Run from Diane's gaze, her words, her rage.

But Evelyn didn't move.

It was a kind of oppressive silence that filled the office. Diane didn't know how to proceed, she asked herself if it would be smart to just pop a question. She noticed they were being watched by colleagues, including Cary, who could easily read their body language- Something must've been going on.

She looked around and exhaled heavily, feeling a little off-balance. But she decided to break the silence, she couldn't just stand there and do nothing, she was an adult after all.

"Look..", Diane started. "Maybe we _should_ go to lunch."

It was hard for Diane to say those words because there was quite another matter on the tip of her tongue. But she figured it would be easier this way, to not provoke too much attention and be too apparent. She tried to calm down and put on a little smile.

"I'll let you finish up here. I'll..I'll be outside."

"Okay.", Evelyn said, feeling at a loss.

Diane left the office quickly, putting on that confident attitude as soon as she stepped out. She wouldn't want people to think she was being unprofessional.

"What was that about?", Cary approached her, somewhat worried.

"Oh, it was nothing, don't worry."

She turned around and went in Kurt's direction, leaving a clueless Cary there. She really didn't want to explain that to him, what could she even have told him to not sound crazy at that moment.

Kurt was waiting in her office, leaning against her desk. She stepped in and looked at him, pursing her lips and fumbling at her dress. He watched her and understood that her edginess hasn't diminished a bit, if anything, it had gotten worse.

"Come here.", he gestured reassuringly.

Diane came closer and took his stretched out hand gratefully. He pulled her closer and held her lightly. She was astonished how he would always make sure to keep her safe and he knew it didn't take much.

"What happened?", he asked while he stroked her arm.

"I don't know.", Diane replied while she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Look, I know we wanted to go to lunch but I thought about taking her to lunch actually."

"You think that's a good idea?"

"You don't?", she looked up again.

"My opinion is of no significance here. No, I am just asking you if you think this is smart.", he explained, caressing her hand gently.

"I only know that it doesn't matter whether it's smart or not. It just has to be done. And who knows, maybe at the end of the day...", she turned around and bit down on her lip, seeing Evelyn already approaching her office. "..maybe things will be different. I mean it cannot be coincidences anymore, right?" she turned to face him again. "It's not just pipe dreams, is it?"

"Would be great happenstance, wouldn't it?" He said and looked her in the eyes.

"You should do what you think is right."

"I think, I don't know what is right anymore." She let go of him and he fetched her coat and helped her into it.

"You're worrying too much." He hugged her lightly.

"Considering the abundance of feelings that is now making me very uncomfortable, how could I not? I'm not used to this.", she complained, pouting her lips while he kissed her hairline.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"I'll be fine. I'll call you when I either embarrass myself completely or find out a painful truth."

"Painful really?"

She sighed. "I really couldn't tell." She gave him a peck and struck off to leave her office but she turned in the doorframe and looked at Kurt intensely. "Thank you. For being here, for.."

"I know.", he cut her off and nodded.

She smiled and stepped out, finding a still confused Evelyn in the hallway. It was weird because now she was feeling so much calmer although inside she was actually boiling, but Kurt managed to soothe her, as always. Just a few words and his warm, caring touch. It was always overwhelming.

The two blondes strutted through the hallway. Same height, same posture. It was a quite powerful picture as they both entered the elevator and let the doors shut in front of them.

The ride in the elevator that usually felt like just only a few moments now seemed excruciatingly long. Neither of them spoke a word, Diane didn't want to burst and Evelyn didn't know what to do anyway. So they both stared at the numbers decreasing.

When they stepped out it occurred to Diane that they would have to spend at least ten minutes in her car together and although it would usually work easily, it now seemed nearly impossible.

"Ever tried the Italian place down the street?", she grinned at her a little too faked.

"I haven't actually." She didn't make any eye contact.

"Would you care to do so?"

"Sure."

They walked like that for three minutes, it was usually much easier because they would be talking about work but now they were stuck in this unpleasant situation.

Diane asked herself what Evelyn could possibly think of her now that she stormed into her office, almost yelled at her and nearly allowed herself to cry in front of her. That should never happen and today it all happened within five seconds.

Both women were lucky the restaurant was not too far away and they felt relieved when they entered it so they were freed from that awkward silence and going into a crowded, noisy room.

They were seated at a table in the middle of the room and Diane actually preferred that to the quiet places in the corner. Sitting on opposing sides was not making it any easier. But before either of them had the chance to talk, the waiter was already taking their order. Diane asked herself if it was still too early to be having wine but she decided a glass of wine would do no harm. And she really needed it.

Seeing the waiter leave made her nervous, she would soon have to start talking. But what could possibly be the right way to start this conversation. She needed a proper sentence to begin with. Lucky her, Evelyn seemed like she wanted to start the conversation.

"You were really agitated earlier. Did I do something wrong?"

Diane was sure she was just playing with her. And she wouldn't play that game any longer, it was demanding too much of her.

"I think you know what that was about."

Evelyn looked away. She wasn't sure if she was ready to talk about that yet. She thought she'd have more time to get to know Diane better before having _that_ conversation.

Meanwhile the waiter had brought them their drinks and Diane was relieved to finally have the glass in her hand and take a long sip of the red liquid. She was watching Evelyn over the rim of her glass, awaiting an answer.

But instead, Evelyn leaned down and took out her purse. She unzipped it and started looking for something, taking out a photo eventually. She handed the photo to Diane, shoving it over the table.

Diane put down her glass and took a closer look at the picture. She was confused at first but after a minute she recognized the girl in the picture. She had seen her before in her office. With her mouth slightly open she looked up and directly in her eyes. Then back at the picture. And it occurred to her that apparently it was not only Evelyn who might become a part of her life. She had no idea why she didn't think about that earlier, she totally forgot. The truth was never simple.

She knew she should let things flow naturally forward. But at that point her throat felt constricted.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hey everyone! Oh my, I know I have been neglecting this story for so long now but I was really at a loss of inspiration and I just couldn't put the things into the right words.**

 **As I got an idea and started writing it again, it got a lot easier. I hope you will enjoy what I came up with! This chapter might be a little sad. Thank you for your support! :)**

Diane's look slowly wandered to an absentminded Evelyn again. It was obvious that she was completely unsure what to do or how to proceed. She knew there was no way to make this any easier or more bearable, they have come to a point where everything needed to be voiced.

No more secrets. No more lying or pretending, no more hiding. They faced the situation at this very moment, as uncomfortable as it was.

Diane's look caught Evelyn's for a moment and her thoughts wandered back to the day she met her. Her eyes had unnerved her from the very beginning and she always seemed familiar, although Diane couldn't explain that feeling back then.

Now, what would be the right way to do this? The more she thought about, the clearer it became that there was no right way. It just had to be done. And because of that she felt so many emotions building up. She could've cried or screamed, maybe even laughed. Or she could have ran away. But that was not an option, she could not run away from her responsibility a second time. There was that one thing that upset her, she couldn't read Evelyn yet. She didn't know if she was angry, disappointed or relieved. She didn't show any emotion, she looked indifferent. But Diane was sure that she was not feeling indifferent inside, in fact she must be feeling overwhelmed.

Evelyn knew it from the beginning, the first time she came to her office. She knew it even before that, Diane couldn't know when Evelyn found out. It could've been months ago, maybe years. How did she do it? Knowing that her boss was not only her boss but so much more. How could she act all normal and not give away anything. How is it that she didn't break under the weight of the truth?

Diane was also curious how she found her. She had so many questions but that was not what was needed at this moment. She needed to make the next move, she should've made the first move. It was after all her flesh and blood in front of her. She was the one owing Evelyn an explanation although Evelyn was going behind her back for weeks. But Diane was insightful concerning that. She probably wanted to know the person who gave birth to her.

It was an overwhelming feeling for Diane too, she wasn't surprised there was not much conversation yet, she was speechless. It felt so surreal. As if she would be having a nerve-racking dream. And on the one hand she wished she could wake up from that dream, but on the other hand she knew this was reality and it was right in front of her.

But before she could find the right words, Evelyn's words were one step ahead and she started talking.

"Why did you do it?" She looked serious now, her voice rather disappointed.

Diane bit down on her lip nervously and swallowed hard. This was what she was afraid of and it was exactly that question that she knew would hurt her and strike her with sorrow. But instead of giving an answer, she was becoming more nervous. She was still holding the glass that gave her some kind of safety because she wouldn't know what to do with her hands. She noticed her hand shaking and she was holding on to the glass quite firmly. Her other hand was holding the picture. The picture of her granddaughter and it was just so hard to believe.

She put the glass down and put her hands flat on the table, breathing out heavily.

"I don't believe this."., she sighed, her words barely audible.

At that moment the waiter came back to take the order. He spoke but Diane didn't realize it. After a moment, she caught on and made a hand gesture.

"I'm not hungry.", she said without looking at him.

He just nodded and looked at Evelyn.

"Neither am I.", she simply said.

The waiter looked quite confused but left without another comment. He sensed the tension between them.

"I don't know what to do here. I could apologize in every way possible..", Diane started.

"I don't want an apology. Not at this moment. I want an explanation. I _need_ an explanation."

Diane's hand clutched at the tablecloth. She felt as if she was having an out-of-body experience. As if she could watch herself. And never has she seen herself that nervous and anxious before. But she was an adult. And she had to behave like one. She knew it would be wrong to take her hand or take her into her arms, although at that moment she would've loved to do exactly that because with every second that was passing it became clearer that this was her little girl on the opposite side of the table. The little girl she once fell in love with so deeply and that she abandoned in the worst way possible, only because it had not been convenient.

At this moment, she would break out in tears but she had to suppress it because they were in public. Maybe they should've gone to a more quiet place where no one could see them after all. But it might also be good that they were there because they had to control themselves, and maybe that would be easier to handle than to burst at the moment. It was still so unsettling to have those feelings because over the years, which was almost 30 years, Diane had changed. Her job had changed her. She became so strong and tough and now it felt like that Diane was gone.

"Just tell me why."

A short silence followed.

"It was a demanding time.", Diane remembered.

"I was just about to start out as a lawyer. I had dreams that finally seemed to become reality. And that was all I ever wanted. All I have worked for and lived for.". Diane's voice was shaking.

"And I would've been a burden."

" _You_ were...probably the best thing that ever happened to me.", she admitted, in tears by now. She brushed away the tears that streamed down her face. She looked up at Evelyn with her eyes already red from crying these few tears. But as she felt that she couldn't help but cry even harder, she felt like these tears were freeing her from all those years she had kept a secret. All those years that she was trying to cope with her situation, secretly, without letting anybody in on that.

Evelyn looked her in the eyes and even though she was angry she could see that this sentence was entirely honest and true. And she couldn't prevent a little smile forming on her face that she shook off just as quickly.

"I didn't want to hurt you. And I am sorry that I did. I was scared. I thought I would lose everything.. not realizing that you have been my everything." She whispered her last words, feeling her saline tears on her lips.

She covered her face with her hands, she was just getting too emotional and felt the people's looks on her that they thought went unnoticed.

"I don't expect you to forgive me, I don't. I don't expect you to understand and accept my reasons because what I have done is unacceptable. It was wrong and cowardly and I don't know how you can even look at me right now. Just...believe me when I say that there wasn't a single day that I didn't think about you. I regretted this decision ever since you were gone, just because I acted in the heat of the moment. I tried to get in touch with your parents...your adoptive parents after that but... it was just too late."

Evelyn felt numbed and she somehow believed every word Diane said but it was all too much too handle at this very moment.

"I can't do this right now.", she said and got up, ready to leave.

In her head Diane thought 'please don't go' but she couldn't voice the words and she wanted to give her space. It was the least she could do. She just watched her leave but Evelyn turned around to say something.

"I will call you, okay?" Her words came out very slowly and dragging, exerted.

Diane nodded and looked away, sinking back into her chair, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Here's an update with some McHart moments for everyone. I'm glad you're still with me! Forgive me if maybe this seems too dramatic but I'm trying to figure out how she could feel in such a situation I know for sure that it is not easy. Whatever it is, it is definitely not easy.**

It's when you almost hit a pedestrian that you realize you are too agitated to drive. But she was still driving. It might not have been smart with her hands still shaking, it might not have been clever with her vision still blurred. But she did it anyway and she might even not have known where she was going. She was just driving. She internally hoped that wherever she would come to a stop, Kurt would be there. But her instinct brought her to her own apartment.

Diane opened the door and let it shut slowly by itself, she didn't care to waste any energy on closing the door properly and she didn't care about anything else. She kicked off her heels that plunked against the wall and she took off her coat and tossed it over the coat hook with no effort, unaware that it fell to the ground. The whole picture looked kind of dragging and slow, she didn't care about everything being in place. For the very first time.

When she finally reached her bed and slipped under the covers, it was still too early to comprehend what was going on. Lying there like this, being completely exhausted and worn out, it was hard on her. But she found her bed being a safe place. A place where no one would judge her, where no one would question her. And she clutched at the bedsheet harder and wrapped the silk bedclothes around her faint body. And it was that helplessness and that disagreeable silence that withdrew from her what was left of her strength and she yelped frantically, then bit her lip to remain in control but she failed miserably and cracked under the pressure.

The following silence was frightening, the only thing that could be heard was the ticking of the clock and Diane's agonizing sobs. And soon the sheets turned wet from her tears and smudged from her make-up. She didn't even care to grab a tissue from her left, every movement felt too demanding. Diane didn't exactly know what she was doing but it felt like she didn't have to be anywhere else right now.

Her phone buzzed next to her hand but she didn't react. She closed her eyes to that semi-darkness under the white covers. Even after the third call, Diane didn't pick up. She didn't want to talk to anyone but she knew that if it was Kurt calling, he'd catch on and he'd be here when she would open her eyes again.

Her feeling didn't mislead her. She heard his keys just moments later.

Kurt stepped in and was actually not surprised to find the hallway being a complete mess. He was sure it reflected how she was feeling inside. And it probably was a good idea to come here. He was a little worried because she told him she'd call but he assumed she must have been in no position to make a call. And that had to mean something.

He walked through the hallway, picking up her coat on his way and placing it where it belonged. He also picked up the keys she dropped to the floor and placed it on the little table next to him. And as he stood in front of the bedroom, he wasn't sure how to feel. He hated seeing Diane that helpless and beyond all hope, it was something that's always been hard to bear but he knew Diane would treasure his way of taking care of her, comforting her. He was good at that; and she was too proud to let anyone do so but him.

Kurt approached the bed, heartbroken by the sight of Diane holding on to the sheets so desperately as if trying to balance her feelings and prevent a break-down.

"Hey.", he uttered softly while sitting down next to her.

She felt some sort of relief when she felt his weight next to her on the mattress. Kurt watched her as she crawled out from under the sheets and he was unable to speak for a moment when he looked at his wife. He couldn't even imagine how much she must've been hurting and it was painful for him too. Her eyes were red, he knew she must've shed an overbearing amount of tears. He looked her in the eyes and all he could see was hurt, worry and a hint of fear. It wouldn't be a smart move to ask how it went. Her bottom lip was still shaking lightly and whatever word she would try to utter would do more damage than good. Kurt didn't need to hear her talk now. And she didn't need him to question her. Diane just appreciated him being there, his presence was satisfactory. For now.

Kurt reached out to free her from the heavy covers and shoved them to the side a little, drawing nearer and pulling his arm around her limp torso to pull her into a reassuring embrace. He was sure that she has reached her rock bottom and from now on, it couldn't get any worse.

As he leaned back, Diane let her left hand trail over his chest and grasped his shirt tightly, he stroked her hair gently, holding her in his arms so firmly that she felt sheltered. He loved her when she was strong and he loved her when she was vulnerable and now he could really see her. No false front, just Diane being so sensitive. And he was able to see- she was a Mom.

After a while she wiped away her tears and finally felt ready to speak.

"Did you ever think about kids?" Her question surprised him. They have never talked about that before, there has actually never been any reason to.

He placed his hand on her arm that was resting on his chest and started caressing her, soothing.

"You know..", he started and she looked up at him with her tear-stained eyes. "There was a time when I thought 'Yep, I could be a dad'. But I never met the right woman. There was no one I could have imagined having a family with.", he murmured quietly.

"We should have met 30 years ago.",she whispered, barely audible.

"We should've."

"It was so painful.",she mumbled into his shirt and clutched harder at it.

"I can imagine." He kissed her on her forehead. "I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"How will it be going on now?"

"I don't know, she said she'd call me.", Diane sobbed. She positioned her leg between his and intensified their tender embrace. "I don't know how you put up with me." She grinned into his chest gratefully and he let his thumb run over her cheek gently to stop another tear from falling.

At that moment, Diane's phone rang and she immediately knew who was calling. She looked at him enquiringly and he nodded at her reassuringly. She took the phone and stared at Evelyn's name for a moment before she finally picked up.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I know it's been forever since I last updated but I was just too busy and it was hard to be productive when I had so many other things on my mind. I'm not sure if this will make up for the long hiatus, especially because it's a rather short chapter but I hope I can keep you interested, I'm getting a few more ideas. :)**

"Hey." Diane picked up and a rather trembling voice escaped her throat. She walked back towards the bed and sat down next to Kurt, his fingers trailing over her knee in a moment. He looked at her, concerned. He couldn't hear what Evelyn was saying so he just observed Diane's facial expressions. It slowly changed from worry to a light smile, back to some kind of sorrow. A hint of relief rushed over her face, maybe. He couldn't tell.

"Okay.",she responded to whatever Evelyn had been saying and sobbed, reaching for a tissue from the nightstand and trying to clean up some of the mess that was drawn all over her face. Kurt gave her a confused look, curious about what was going on. She leaned her head against his shoulder and he put his arm around her, giving her shelter.

"She needs time." Diane whispered and threw her phone onto the sheets.

"You need to understand her too."

"I do understand her, it's just...I've lost so much time already. I want to be there for her now that I can."

"Give her some time. It will be easier for both parties."

"I guess."

"Come here.", he gestured, putting his arm around her. She appreciated his attentiveness and drew closer to him.

"What if she'll never be ready?" He could hear in her voice that she was still worried, which was understandable, but in a way he thought that she tried to make it worse than it is.

"She will be, sooner or later. You shouldn't worry that much, it can't get any worse. The worst part is over, now you will both just have to calm down and slowly get used to it."

"It's not that easy." Diane was protesting. She freed herself from his embrace and placed her hands on his chest, holding on to him tight. She was getting upset because she didn't think he could understand her.

"Kurt, I'm just being realistic. What if I screw up again? Maybe this is not who I am." He felt her fingers digging deeper into his shirt.

"Diane...", he took her hand and held it firmly."

"You won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because you don't blow it with someone you love. You never do. I know it's all new and unfamiliar but you will soon know that there's a certain bond between you. There already is. And you're not gonna screw up."

"A bond? Like a motherly instinct?", she grinned at that thought and he was happy to see her smile for the first time today.

"You tell me."

She leaned down again and kissed him on his cheek one time, two times then moved to his lips.

"I love you, Kurt."

"I figured." She laughed at his blunt remark. She indeed loved everything about this man.

"Is there something like a grandmotherly instinct, too?"

"Oh dear God.",she sighed and let herself fall back onto the pillows.

"This could be wonderful." She looked to her right and Kurt got closer, leaning against her shoulder eventually. She let her left hand travel up his chest and clutched his collar lightly. They looked at each other for a moment and just enjoyed the pleasant atmosphere.

"How about we go for a meal?" Kurt proposed.

"That's not a bad idea. I'm starving."

Kurt watched her during their car ride. He had probably looked to his right more often than on the street but he couldn't help it because he was curious about how Diane was feeling inside. She looked absentminded and to some extent vulnerable. He took her hand and it took her a few seconds to react but she eventually gave him a light smile.

"You okay if we eat here?", Kurt asked and pointed to their right.

"Sure."

They had eaten at that place before and Diane actually liked trying new places but she didn't mind at that moment, she just really needed to eat something. Kurt got out first and helped Diane get out too, no way he wouldn't play the gentleman. But the good thing about him was that he didn't have to play a role, he's always been like that. He knew it was important to treat women with respect and he didn't even want to do differently because he liked doing it, especially for the woman he loves.

"After you.",he opened the door of the restaurant and as soon as they stepped in, he remembered the incident that happened there a few weeks ago. He didn't say anything but he clearly seemed to have connected the dots and he would probably mention it at some point. 20 minutes later they were already eating and after taking a sip of his drink he wanted to broach the subject.

"So..", he began and took another sip.

"Now I understand why you were so upset."

Diane looked at him with her mouth open and blinked a few times. "What? What do you mean?"

"That one time we bumped into that old lady. Well, actually when she bumped into you. You know, with that buggy."

"Oh, right, yes. Well..."

"You should have told me back then."

"I couldn't." She swallowed hard after saying that.

"It's just, you know we're both affected by this. I don't want to compare our situations, there's no way to equate that but I'm part of this too. I'm not only being there for you, we need to be there for _each other_. Those people are not just walking into your life, they are walking into my life too..."

"Ours."

"Yes, ours."

"I'm sorry, Kurt.."

"No, I was not fishing for anything like that. I just needed to say that. If it hasn't changed your life completely 30 years ago, it probably will now. Good thing I've been part of your life for a while now, too." She laughed and appreciated it when she felt his hand on hers, squeezing it reassuringly. They just looked at each other for a while and they were absolutely able to communicate without words.

"So, we're gonna be grandparents?", Diane asked after their little moment and grinned at that thought.

"If I would be Evelyn's stepfather, what kind of grandparent would I be then? Is there a term for that?"

"Don't make it even more complicated than it already is, Kurt."

"I was just trying to ease the tension a little. I'm serious about this."

"I know." She leaned over the table and kissed him, obviously grateful.

They continued to eat but Diane saw that Kurt looked thoughtful, he must have had something else on his mind but she wasn't sure about whether or not to ask him about it because she was actually feeling a little more relaxed. But she figured that it was easier to just say everything out loud, whatever it was. She had spent too many years saying nothing and it would be smarter to talk about things rather than to pretend that it wasn't important. She trusted him and he trusted her, they always have.

"What's on your mind, hun?"

"Oh, nothing, nevermind.", he shook his head and tried to cover his light nervousness by a dismissing hand gesture.

"No, tell me. Please."

"We should talk about that when we're alone."

Diane was confused now. She had no idea what he could have been thinking about and it immediately made her nervous. She didn't have anything to hide anymore, nothing he could need an explanation for. Right now, she was just worried about what he would touch upon when they would be by themselves in the car. She couldn't really construe the look in his eyes and it unnerved her.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I am so sorry for this awfully long hiatus :( Here we go again...**

He was holding her hand more tightly when they left the restaurant, it felt different than when they had entered it. There was something about his touch that felt unsettling, his sudden intensity was unexpected and she had to admit that it frightened her to some extent. She honestly hoped that her feeling was misleading her and that it would be nothing big but she couldn't think of anything he might want to talk to her about.

They got into the car and after they shut their doors at the same time, a short silence followed. It was indeed only seconds but it felt like an eternity to Diane, she thought it was over and that there were no more secrets. For a moment she felt like she had felt in the beginning and she couldn't even look at him because she was scared.

Kurt looked at her and noticed her being nervous, it hadn't been his intention to make her feel that way, he just wanted to talk about this where no one else would be interfering. He was seriously interested in one thing, a topic that never really came up because it didn't seem to be important. Diane only mentioned it once and it had been a satisfying enough explanation at that point, but now he was curious.

"Was he violent?"

"Who...what?"

"Her father."

Diane opened her mouth as if wanting to answer his question but a rather confused look rushed over her face. She knitted her eyebrows and looked down, replying with a determined, yet quiet "No.". She looked to her left and directly in his eyes that showed worry and curiosity.

"No, Kurt.", she answered him. "He was never violent."

"Then what happened?"

"He didn't want to have children at that time."

"Neither did you." Immediately after he said it, he realized it sounded harsh, which had not been his intention. But he noticed her reaction and placed one hand on her leg, voicing a soft "You know I didn't mean it that way." She sighed.

"I know." She looked out the window and thought about what had happened a good three decades ago.

"He chose not to be there for me. And her. He was a lawyer too, you know. Good reputation and all. I couldn't have made a decision as easily as he did. He left because he thought he had more to lose than to win. I couldn't run away, I mean, I was carrying her."

"It must've been hard for you."

"It was."

"And...you're sure that nothing else happened between you two?"

"Nothing happened, Kurt. Where is this coming from?"

"I just feel like I might not be given enough information."

"I don't have secrets.", she assured him.

"You said that before and along came your long lost daughter."

"Kurt, please."

"I just want you to know that you can tell me anything. And I want to be involved. Don't hesitate." Diane smiled at him, appreciating his interest and his caring about her.

"I know. Let's go home."

* * *

They were not exactly falling asleep in each others arms every night, sometimes it was enough to know that they were not alone and to feel that the other side of the bed wasn't empty. But at times they'd roll over in their sleep and grasp the others arm or snuggle up arbitrarily. It wouldn't be deliberate but it was always gladly accepted. This night it was Diane who randomly, but somewhat vehemently turned to Kurt and clutched at his body, holding on to his chest and actually burying her fingers into his shirt. Kurt woke up from his semi-sleep and looked at Diane, he didn't mind her snuggling up to him in the middle of the night, out of the blue, but he figured she wasn't sleeping well because she was tugging at his shirt repeatedly, she was clearly having trouble sleeping, being so restless and uneasy. He decided to wake her.

"Hey. You alright?",he whispered quietly. She was not exactly awake again but she could hear his words. She didn't answer him and continued breathing against his chest soundly. Kurt pulled her nearer, his arms holding her weak, sleepy body. "Hey.",he said again, a little louder this time, brushing away a strand of hair from her cheek. Diane opened her eyes idly, trying to get adjusted to the lighting in the room because the lamp on the nightstand was suddenly lit.

"Hey." , she replied lazily. "Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I was. But you woke me up. Looked like you had trouble sleeping."

"Really?", she asked, looking blank at him and re-positioned herself.

"Bad dream?"

"No..I don't know. I'm sorry that I woke you up.", she smiled at him with her eyes closed, her lids still heavy and ran her palm over his face vaguely.

"I'm worried about you."

"Kurt, there's no need to be worried. I think things just need to get back to normal."

"Are you sure? Is this about our conversation in the car, that you're being so agitated?"

"I don't think I'm being agitated but if it seems like I am, then no. It's not about that. It's nothing.", she tried to reassure him and leaned in to give him a peck. There was still worry in his eyes.

"What?", she asked curiously, her hand grasping his shirt again.

"Yet the inner unrest."

"I'll be fine.", she stressed those words and leaned her head against his chest.

"You should eat more."

"I...What?", she looked up at him.

"You lost weight."

"What..no..", she whispered, leaning against his shoulder and slowly drifting off again.

"I can feel it.", he mumbled against her neck, running his fingers over her rib cage softly.

"It's been a few stressful weeks.", she uttered and stretched her body. "Can we talk tomorrow?" Those words were barely audible since she was gradually going back to sleep. He replied with a kiss on her forehead and turned around to turn off the light.

* * *

"I'm off.", Diane shouted while opening the door to step out.

"Hey, wait a sec." She heard Kurt from the other room and turned around, seeing him walk towards her quickly.

"I can drive you."

"Oh, I'm fine hun. I'm a grown woman.", she grinned widely.

"Guess that coffee did you good."

"It did.", she replied with a smile, awaiting a kiss, which he offered eagerly.

"Take care.", Kurt mumbled when their lips parted.

"Always." She said and stepped out.

Just as Diane reached her office, a bunch of people was already expecting her, telling her about all the phonecalls she missed, the upcoming gala she and Alicia were invited to, the 'important' documents she had to sign. And then there was David Lee who couldn't wait to start complaining about something again. Diane loved her job anyway, it's always been like that and stress was definitely a part of that, too.

After an extremely long meeting, she closed her office door behind her and let herself sink onto her chair, leaning back and closing her eyes for a brief moment. There was something waiting for her on the table after she'd opened her eyes. She leaned forward and took a closer look, an unwelcome feeling of fear rushing through her body again. The letter only had Diane's name on it, but it was anonymous. Diane hated those kind of things, it was a game she didn't like to play. But she figured it wouldn't necessarily have to mean something bad, the sender might as well be someone she knows.

She took it into her hands, her slender fingers slowly began opening it but she eventually ended up ripping it open because she was curious. When she held it in her hands, she was sure that she has seen the handwriting before. She put on her glasses and started reading through the lines, which were partly smudged.

* * *

 _Dear Diane,_

 _I know that this letter might not be a satisfying gesture but it felt easier this way._

 _It was all so much easier when I still had to pretend that you were nothing more than my boss but things have changed and now that we both opened up, I can't put on a mask anymore. I don't want to._

 _Never in my life have I ever been so emotional before, I'm getting invested and it's time to feel better about it and not to hurt anymore. I am your daughter and I need that deep human connection now more than ever. It's hard when I sit in front of you. When I look into your eyes, I feel scared but I also feel tempted and I want to act on this feeling because we have lost so much time already._

 _I am willing to forgive you, I've been doing that for years, gradually and I think I am getting there. At this point it is just so complicated and recent that it comes more naturally to me to write this letter than to talk to you in person. It is just too painful. I need a few days for myself and I will get back to you to arrange a meeting. I will be bringing Emma._

 _PS: I didn't put this in the letter originally but I had to add it- I love you. I always have._

* * *

Diane could barely read the last line. She didn't know if it was her tears that smudged it, or if it had been her daughter's.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: I don't even remember the last time I updated, I've been neglecting this story for quite a while because I was really busy and I'm not sure if this chapter can make up for it. I just hope that some of you will read it and like what I've come up with (and hopefully still follow this story). I will try to update on a more regular basis from now on :)**

One couldn't even tell by the reflection in the mirror that she was nervous. She definitely looked contented, satisfied with the anticipation of what would be happening. Only if one took a very close look, they could see her hands lightly shaking. It must have been the third time she tried on a different outfit, in every single one perfect to him, but having doubts herself.

"She's not gonna care about which black blouse you wear. They practically look the same. You worry way too much.", he eyed her from behind, watching her as she desperately tried to find the perfect piece.

"But this one's not black, it's grey."

"Pretty dark grey.", he remarked, clearly not seeing a difference.

"Exactly. So, which one?", she turned around and looked at him questioningly with her eyes wide open, awaiting an answer. It almost made him laugh out loud. The look on her face, one blouse in her hand, the other one still on her body, unbuttoned. As far as he was concerned, she could be wearing anything as long as she'd leave it unbuttoned.

"Well..the black one.", he bluntly answered, still positive that it all looked the same. She just nodded and uttered a rushed "Okay" while already on the go again, standing in front of the mirror and taking off her blouse, eager to put on the other as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, her hands were not as fast as his when she felt them on her in an instant. She shivered when his biting cold hands moved over her stomach and held her there. Only now could he feel that she was really nervous.

"You're gonna be great.", he assured her, his voice encouraging and comforting. She placed her hands over his as he leaned his chin on her shoulder. A light smile appeared on her face but he was sure that it was rather forced and that she was trying to please him in a way. But in fact, she was scared. It is not in her nature to worry too much, but she now understood that when it comes to love and family, she can be helpless.

Diane thought that she had screwed up enough already and the time has come to make it right. She had made mistakes- some of them terrible ones- in the past. And she was aware that this might be her only chance to set things right. There was no going back anymore. She had no time to ask herself the 'What ifs' or 'What could have been…'.

"I don't wanna screw up, Kurt.", she mumbled with a sad voice, turning around in his arms and finding comfort in leaning against his chest; he seemed like the only one she was sure she couldn't lose and it felt good to be holding on to him like this.

"You won't.", he whispered and it was overwhelming how his words could soothe her like nothing else could. Diane looked up at him and caught the expression in his eyes immediately and he looked confident, a feeling that she took on slightly too because he was so very convincing and it didn't even take much. But something inside her still made her feel uncomfortable. The mere thought of having to pick up the pieces again; having to put them back together. She was the one who was responsible for that 'mess' and she now had that challenge in front of her- it was probably going to be the hardest but also the bravest thing she had ever done.

"What if she doesn't like me?"

"Evelyn? Why wouldn't she like you? I'm sure she already does."

"I mean...Emma. I already met her but..."

Kurt could tell that she was really worried. It might have been an unreasonable fear but he could understand she was nervous, but she shouldn't let nervousness take over. He smiled against her forehead and leaned down to kiss her on the lips reassuringly.

"She's gonna love you." That line actually made Diane smile, a wide grin spreading over her face. He was probably right, he had to be right because he always was. And she suddenly felt proud. She looked at him and he was looking at her lips again, clearly having different thoughts as well. Diane let out a throaty laugh, amused by how easily he got distracted. But keeping in mind that she was not wearing much at the moment, it wasn't even surprising. It was unfair- she was standing there in her underwear while he was still fully dressed. But it would be for the best if it actually stayed that way, Diane would just have to put her clothes on and they could leave without being stressed out. She wanted to be on time and even if she knew exactly what he was thinking- the look in his eyes giving away his thoughts- she couldn't indulge at this point, as much as she would have lovec to.

"You're coming with me, right?", she asked him whn she released herself from his embrace, walking towards the bed. She sat down and put on her blouse, starting to work on the buttons- she needed him to think rationally at this point and she could definitely make it easier by putting her clothes on.

"Every step of the way. If you want me to."

"Of course I want you to. It's actually more about needing to because I really can't do it alone. Besides…", she made a gesture and summoned him, waiting for him to sit down next to her.

"You are part of this too. You said it yourself. And you were right.", she squeezed his hand lightly, nodding at him approvingly.

"I don't want to shut you out. This might be mostly about me, for now. But it will be your concern too. As far as I know, it already is. I want you to get to know her. Well, them."

"Okay. I promise I'll behave."

"Oh, I'm sure you will. You have no other option because you don't want to regret it later, do you?", she winked at him and he only laughed at her idle threat.

Diane thought about how their day would proceed, she hoped it would run smoothly. She didn't know herself what she expected, what she imagined it to be like. She had had plenty of time to think about that, all the different ideas and scenarios were already driving her crazy. It took Evelyn four days to even contact her and that was the harder part. But after her phonecall, it was seven days and seven rather sleepless nights. She would just have to wait and see, she knew that much. There was one thing she always repeated to herself: It will all be good. She wouldn't have to think about what went wrong anymore, she was sure that an interesting and eventful future was ahead of them. She would be welcoming two new family members, which might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her.

There was actually nothing she could complain about, she had loved her life and everything that came with it even before all this happened. But now she was sure that there was something she had been missing all those years but she just never really noticed or realized it. At this moment, she couldn't be happier because things would finally come to a good end- and an even better new beginning. At least she hoped so. She still had all those questions and she knew that Evelyn would have even more. Some that she could answer; more complex and demanding questions that she probably could not answer. In an ideal world, the four of them would be going to a nice restaurant, having a joyous dinner with a lot of laughing and talking. There would be this calm and beautiful atmosphere, it would all be placid and unforced and after a while it would feel inconspicuous and familiar- but that was only her dream thinking. If she didn't think that something could go wrong, she wouldn't be so scared right now.

"Hey.", Kurt uttered and placed his hand on her thigh. "You're miles away." It took her a while to realize that he was talking to her, she didn't really perceive any of it while she was still deep in thought. "You okay?", he said it a little louder this time, her head that slowly turned in his direction showing that she heard him.

"Let's go.", Diane said and got up, taking her skirt and shoes and walking towards the hallway. Kurt followed her wordlessly, putting on his jacket and helping her into hers after she put the rest of her clothes on. "You're gonna be just fine.", he tried to get through to her because she was clearly still distracted. Only the thought of making a mistake and screwing something up made her feel so weak again and she couldn't just shake it off, it was overwhelming her.

"I really hope you're right.", Diane finally replied. Her first instinct was to kiss him but she reflexively moved away and just walked out the door. Kurt noticed that she didn't even take her purse or the keys and it made him worry because she seemed to be distracted and confused although he thought that she didn't really have a reason to. Not at this moment at least. But he could certainly understand that she was feeling insecure and he didn't want to judge her either. He was positive that the evening would turn out to be anything but a screw up and he hoped she would be able to calm down and savor it because she deserved it.


	17. Chapter 17

_Motherhood suited her. She seemed to know exactly what she was doing, she had a knack for it. You could tell that she was nervous, scared she would fail. But in fact, she was good at it. And, although she didn't like admitting it, it made her feel contented. If some things wouldn't go as planned, it wouldn't have to mean that it's bad. It was definitely unexpected and completely inconvenient. But that didn't make it wrong._

 _There was this unfamiliar feeling of happiness rushing through her body, a comfortable happiness, yet unfamiliar. It was an alien feeling, something she had never experienced before. And as much as she was enjoying it, it also scared the hell out of her. She couldn't be sure about what feeling would predominate her eventually. For now, she was just living the moment. And she wouldn't trade it for anything else._

 _She closed her eyes and held her newborn more tightly, her first day with her baby was anything but hard. It was odd, but it came to her naturally. And she loved every second of it. For now._

* * *

It felt like she had a mist in front of her eyes, the memory overcoming her as soon as she stepped foot into that restaurant and caught sight of her daughter. She stopped, watching her from afar. For a moment, she felt like she was watching herself, the resemblance of their faces unnerving her. She hasn't realized that before, but now she could see it. Kurt turned around and waited for her, he knew she was nervous. He didn't quite understand why because she had met Evelyn so many times before, she had seen her every day at work. He figured it must have been because their relationship was different now, or going to be. This was a whole new situation and they would have to find a way to handle it. Things were getting serious and he would help her every step of the way. He stretched out his hand and nodded at her reassuringly. Diane nodded back and took a small step forward, taking his hand and starting to walk towards their table with him.

She spotted Evelyn's daughter Emma and was even more overwhelmed now. She couldn't tell how old she was. Three, maybe four. The little girl was looking around the restaurant, she clearly knew they were waiting for someone, but she couldn't expect it to be her grandmother. Emma looked in Diane's direction and kept her eyes on her, she knew she had met that woman before but she couldn't really place her. She just smiled lightly, waiting for Diane and Kurt to approach their table. Diane suppressed an extraordinarily happy smile to keep herself from crying and squeezed Kurt's hand tightly instead. He let go of her hand and put it around her waist, drew nearer and placed a gentle kiss on her temple.

Evelyn got up from her chair to greet them. She hugged Diane tightly and they both had the most adorable smiles on their faces. Kurt observed them happily, he was proud of Diane. And he knew it would bring change into his life as well.

"This is my husband, Kurt.", Diane gestured and Kurt offered his hand politely.

"It's really nice to meet you.", Evelyn responded and grinned. "This is Emma. You've met her before, Diane."

"I have.", she sighed excitedly. "Hello honey.", she said and fondled her head lightly. She responded with a sweet "Hi." and looked at her. When Diane got lost in her eyes for a moment, she realized just how strong that gene must be. All three of them had the exact same eye color and it was breathtaking. Emma looked away and got somewhat antsy, the little girl was excited.

"Do you want to sit next to her?", Evelyn offered. She could see how excited Diane was and she wanted her to get to know her grandchild, as well as she wanted Emma to have a normal relationship with her grandmother. Diane nodded and sat down next to Emma and laughed when she started to play around with her fork.

"I guess someone's hungry.", Evelyn remarked. They ordered their food and drinks when the waiter came by and made some small talk while they were waiting. No one really wanted to broach the subject yet, they were having a moment and it felt too good to be ruined. It wouldn't necessarily mean that talking about the situation would ruin their evening, but Diane was scared it could deteriorate the atmosphere. Also, they didn't want to talk about it in front of Emma. Diane wondered if she would ever understand herself that she was her grandmother or if they needed to tell her. It made her sad that she hadn't been there to see her grow up, she was sure that it would have been essential to building that relationship with her. Could they even start from here or was it already too late? What would be the right thing to do? She was starting to get nervous again.

While Diane was deep in thought, the waiter had already brought them their meals. Kurt placed his hand on hers and squeezed it, interrupting her chain of thought. He formed a subtle "Are you okay?" with his lips and she nodded, letting go of his hand and taking a sip from her wine. She looked to her left and noticed that Emma could use a helping hand with her food.

"Want me to help you with that, darling?", Diane kindly offered. Emma leaned back in her chair and giggled, then stretched out her hands in Diane's direction. "Come on.", Diane retorted, leaned over and lifted her up. She sat down on her lap and pointed to her plate. Diane shoved it next to her own and reached for the knife and the fork, cutting her food into bite-sized slices. Emma was already getting jittery and grabbed Diane's arm, pulling it towards her face.

"Wait a second, honey.", Diane laughed and barely managed to get a bite onto the fork. She started feeding her and sensed that the little girl trusted her, it already felt normal. It was fascinating how easily they could bond. This was the first step and Diane hoped that the other steps would go just as smoothly. She didn't even care to eat her own food, she was completely taken in by their interaction.

Kurt watched the scenario with a proud smile on his face. Diane was mesmerized and he was sure it would take her a while until she would continue the conversation with them.

"She's good at this.", Evelyn whispered and Kurt nodded in agreement.

"She is." He smirked. They indeed should have met 30 years ago. He had never met a woman he could have imagined having children with before and it struck him how Diane made him feel things he had never felt with anyone. Too bad it was too late for them now, but the mere imagination of them having children made him happy. Diane lifted her gaze from Emma and looked at him, she grinned and bit down on her lip. She knew she was doing it properly and the look on her face was revealing more than words could. _(Grand)motherhood suited her._


End file.
